“Why the bloody hell would you do that, Patrick?” Callum’s use of my full name didn’t surprise me. But he didn’t seem irritated with me.
His face turned to worry, and I didn’t miss the way he breathed heavier, or how his hand ran through his hair. His jaw ticked, and he straightened. It was clear he was trying to figure out a way to react, a way to convince me this was a horrible idea. But that ship had sailed. I wasn’t letting my best friend leave me. I’d be with him through this journey, and no one, not even Cal would stop me. My duties to the mob wouldn’t even stop me.
After a long beat of silence, I said, “Griffin’s dad is dead because of us.” My voice was low and weak and hinted there was more I wanted to say. More that I could n’t say.
I was attracted to my best friend despite liking women. I didn’t just love him. I thought I was in love with him. Because I couldn’t have him die, because if he left me, my world would stop spinning, despite the real world continuing to revolve. How did I portray that to my brother when I didn’t even know the full extent of what it meant?
“Cedric Griffin knew what he was getting into, Paddy. He knew this lifestyle was dangerous, and he knew he likely wouldn’t live out to see retirement. We won’t either. Do you get that?”
“I do, Cal. But I still feel responsible. And I feel like if he leaves, he’s going to come back in a body bag. Hasn’t his mom been through enough?”
Cal sucked in a sharp breath, steeling himself for the rest of this conversation, no doubt. He didn’t speak, so I did . “Imagine if it were Ma, Cal. Losing a husband, then your son.”
“Ma’s already lost enough, don’t you think?”
I stared at him, surprised he’d take it that far. He thought I might not return home, and I didn't need to hear that. I really took in the soft features of his face. Worry didn’t look good on my big brother. Not when I was used to seeing him lead people. Not when he seemed to have it all put together. But when it came to Ma, he was always extremely protective.
For good reason. He’d never told me about it, but I heard Ma and Da. Heard bits and pieces of the time Cal and Ma were kidnapped. Of how she lost a daughter inside her stomach. I didn’t remember much of it, but I knew Ma wasn’t the same for a very long time.
“She has. And so has Griffin’s,” I said.
“And what happens when you don’t come back? Huh?” Cal leaned forward and punched my leg. “Ma won’t be the only one who’s a wreck. What about Da? What about me?”
I shrugged. “Da doesn’t act like he cares much.”
“Da loves us. He just has his own way of showing it. Do you think if we grew up with a soft father, that would help? He wants to see us alive and well. That’s why he’s the way he is.”
“Is it how you’ll be with your kids? Because I don’t want to raise mine like that.”
“Haven’t thought of a wife and kids. Don’t care much for either of those things. Your kids can take over.” He waved me off, as if it weren't a big deal. That putting that responsibility on me was something he’d thought about, even though he never discussed it with me.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m going, Cal. It’s done. The papers are signed. I want to do this.”
Callum stared at me, dumbfounded. He wanted to support me the way he always ha d, but I didn’t think he knew how. Not when he was so scared of what this meant for all of us.
“Don’t tell him until I’m gone,” I said.
“I won’t, kid.” He stood, adjusting the button on his suit jacket. “When do you leave?”
“Next week.”
Callum clenched his jaw, turning away from me. He walked to the door but stopped. Turning back, we made eye contact, and I didn’t miss the fear in his eyes. I would always remember the way my brother, who showed no signs of weakness, looked at me as if I were his heart, and he was allowing it to walk around freely, without protection. “I don’t like this one bit, Patrick. But you’re a man now. And that means making your own decisions.”
I nodded, chewing the inside of my lip. I hated that term. I wasn’t old enough to make life-changing decisions, yet here I was, going off to war, and here my brother was telling me I was a man. I didn’t feel like one. I felt like a scared boy, following another scared boy blindly into the dark. But I knew following Griffin was what I was supposed to do.
Chapter Six
Thesecondthejettouches down at JFK, my phone notifications go off. Usually I fly commercial when visiting Camille, but everything was booked this last minute. I don’t want my family to know about my son yet. Not until I figure out how to get his mother to Boston permanently. Not until I have the balls to tell them I won’t be staying with his mother.
Callum:Where the bloody hell are you?
Callum:You took the jet without checking? I have to be in Seattle this evening.
Callum:Bring it back now, asshole.
Callum:The second you land, the plane is coming back. Find another way home.
Callum:Actually, forget that. I booked you a commercial flight. It’s turning around the second you land.
