Tate just stares at me with incredulous eyes while he pulls at his hair and then he finally breaks and roars “Fuuuck!” and turns on Ash, looking to blame someone else instead of taking some ownership of that cock up.
“Thanks a lot, man. What the fuck is your problem, Ash? Ineedher right now! What the fuck has Savy ever done to you?”
I bark out a laugh causing them to both glare at me but I just wave a sticky, gooey bun at them dismissively and say “Carry on!” before hopping up on the counter to settle in with my treats and watch the show as Ash barks back at Tate.
“Me? What the fuck did I do? I didn’t fucking agree to fake date her. I also didn’t just basically say I was going to use her and drop her. Did you not think that would hurt her feelings at all? All I did was say I was getting sick of her in my space”
Beck shakes his head. “You’re both fucking dicks. She didn’t deserve that. She doesn’t deserve to be used, period.”
He tries to reach into the pan to get a bun so I growl my best Seinfeld soup guy impersonation and slap his fingers.
“No soup for you! Mr. She’s not hot enough. Bad! Bad, Beck!”
He opens his mouth like he’s going to argue his case but then snaps it closed with a furrowed brow like he’s just now getting how that might have made her feel.
Ash smirks at me. “What? You think you’re any better?”
I lick the frosting off of my fingers as I eye up all these twat-waffles and then lay it out for them.
“I said she’s like a cute little house elf that smells nice. I didn’t say I was going to use her and drop her, call her a pet, say she wasn’t hot enough, or say she gets on my nerves. Also FYI, my dick gets hard for the entire adult cast of that movie, including the elf – so not a bad thing.”
I toss the pan down on the counter and hop off to square up to them all, ready to stake my flag.
“Let’s start with you, big T. Do you want her? Not to use and abuse. Do you want her?”
He throws his hands up in the air. “What? No! I never wanted her to be my real girlfriend.”
I nod. “Pretty sure baby doll never wanted you to be her boyfriend either. If memory serves, you kind of forced it on her.BUTnow you’re getting a case of the feels aren’t you because it sure wouldn’t take much to nudge her into that as well and that’s just going to hurt her if you keep fucking her around.”
He crosses his arms over his chest and his non-answer tells me I’ve nailed it. Time to speak some facts to my bro.
“It’s been what, a little bit over two weeks since you started this shit with her? The free trial is over, dude. If you wanna keep her, you got to pay the subscription fee. Me? I got my credit card ready to lay down for that sweet ass. So move along.”
Tate goes red in the face and starts sputtering. “Wh..uh..fuck…hell no! You can’t do that. That’s against the bro code.”
That starts me off in howling laughter. “Are you hearing yourself right now? I can’t have your fake girlfriend because of a real bro code? Hey Tate, get fucked.”
“Jude, are you for real? You really want Savy? Not just to fuck around with her?” Beck asks me so I spin to him.
“Fucking right I do. You going to man up and stop posturing? Admit you want her too?”
He looks past me at Tate and Ash and then slowly starts to nod. “Yeah, there’s something there. Not sure what exactly but I think I might want to find out.”
Tate’s groaning at that but Ash scoffs. “What the hell is happening right now? You two are the biggest man whores I know and you’re going to turn in your slut cards…for that…?”
Now, up to this point, I’ve been entertained by how blind my besties are being that they can’t see the treasure right under their noses but this shit right here, that will no longer fly. I get right up into Ash’s face and bare my teeth.
“That, what? I fucking dare you to finish that sentence. You probably don’t need a tongue to treat sports injuries, so go on, say whatever’s in that Butterfly deadened head of yours.”
He reels back with a hurt expression but, nope, I called her mine so nobody gets to put my doll in a corner anymore, bestie or not.
He rubs his hand over his mouth and then shakes his head. “I just don’t get it, is all.”
I lean back, already forgiving him, and grin. “Liar, liar, pants on fire. If you didn’t see it and feel it, she wouldn’t be under your skin. You’re just pissed off that you feel something for someone who talks back. Maybe you’re the one who needs to step out of the cage, Ash.”
His eyes slide away from mine and ding, ding, ding that’s three out of four, folks! I wander back to my sticky squares of heaven made just for me by the most magical girl on earth and bite into another one while staring Tate down. All three of us are looking at him now, waiting.
He’s got his head down but I can see his tongue swiping back and forth over his bottom lip like he does when he’s thinking hard on a play. While I wait for it to come to him, I take pity on Beck and offer the pan. Ash perks up with a look at it but…forgiven, NOT fucking forgotten yet so just hell no.
