“Everything will be fine, Mum,” I whispered getting up to hug her. “I promise, I won’t let him hurt Frankie.”
“I know love,” she replied. “But who is going to make sure he doesn’t hurt you?”
Sam
the present
There so many thoughts swimming around in my head I couldn’t concentrate on any one thing. I had a half painted bathroom, thinking doing something with my hands would keep me occupied and stop me from calling Maisie, but it hadn’t helped. All I could think about was Frankie and ended up making a fucking mess of the paintwork so I gave up, putting it off for another day.
I understood why Maisie had told me I needed to think things through carefully, it was a huge decision to make, embedding myself into Frankie’s life couldn’t be a three day wonder – it was for life. Plus, there was the guilt I felt at having not been around for the last eight years, especially how I’d treated Maisie at the hospital on the day she’d given birth to him. I’d practically called her a slag as well as a liar. Accusing her of passing off someone else’s baby as mine had been fucking mean as shit, and knowing that she was simply not that sort of person made it worse – it certainly wasn’t my finest moment.
I was pretty sure I knew what I wanted to do, but there was a part of me that was still shit scared, which was why my little brother had decided to call around and give me the benefit of his fucking wisdom. According to him, he’d been sick of me looking as though I’d been kicked in the nuts with a stiletto shoe for the last couple of days.
“I know you want to give me another lecture, Eli,” I said leading him into the kitchen. “But I’m not in the fucking mood. I’ve been dodging calls from Mum all week wanting to know what I’ve decided. Talking of which you can tell Amy she’s in trouble next time I see her.”
Eli grinned. “You should know better than to have told her. You know she can’t keep her mouth shut.”
“Yeah, but to tell Mum that I’m thinking of becoming a dad to Frankie – really?”
I opened the fridge and pulled out a couple of bottles of beer, flipped the caps, and passed one to my brother.
“She said it just slipped out.”
“It’s not fucking funny,” I grumbled. “She knew I’d get a fucking ton of calls. None of you are going to force my decision on this, it’s too fucking important.”
“Yeah, we know that. What I don’t understand though, Sam, is why you’re even having to do this. Why the hell did you decide that you couldn’t be in his life? It’s not like you to shirk responsibility. Look how you looked after me when Amy left. I’d have never got through that without you.”
I looked down at my feet, wanting to dodge the subject of the shit that was going on in my head at the time of Frankie’s birth. I’d let Alison’s actions cloud my judgement. I’d let the heartbreak I’d felt at losing her and what I thought had been my child turn my heart hard and unfeeling. I’d been stupid and selfish only thinking about myself and not once considering that Maisie might have needed me for something more than money.
“Sam,” Eli said, nudging my arm with his beer bottle. “What’s going on in your head, tell me.”
I lifted my head slowly and shrugged. “I have no idea.”
“Yes you do, otherwise you wouldn’t be second guessing everything. If you really didn’t care you’d have called Maisie by now and told her you were out, but you haven’t. You’ve spent the last couple of days thinking and worrying that you’re doing the right thing, which pretty much tells me you’re ready to be a dad to that kid.”
I rolled my eyes. “What made you so wise, bro?”
“I’ve always been fucking wise,” he scoffed. “You’re the doer and I’m the thinker.”
“Whatever.” I let out a long breath and scrubbed a hand down my face. “I do want it, I do, but what if I let him down, or what if I’m shit at it?”
“You’ll make mistakes, every parent does.”
“Yeah, but she told me I had one chance. What if I blow that chance and she tells me to fuck off, but by then I’m in so fucking deep with him that I can’t leave?”
“I don’t think she meant you’d blow it by getting him the wrong Xbox game or by feeding him ice cream for breakfast. I’m pretty sure she meant you can’t say ‘yay Frankie, I’m your dad’ and then decide it’s not for you.” Eli took a long swig of his beer, keeping his eyes on me at all times.
“What?” I asked.
“What aren’t you telling me,” he replied. “There’s something more to this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking happy that you’ve finally decided to step up to the plate, but it’s only taken a couple of weeks for you to get to that point, so what the fuck happened when he was born for you to just tell Maisie you weren’t interested, and don’t give me the crap about looking after me and wanting to concentrate on the business. I know you, I know there’s something else.”
My guts flipped over as I watched my brother carefully. I’d kept so many secrets from him, Frankie being one of them and he hadn’t reacted well to finding out. Maybe I was being a coward, but if I told him now about Alison, would it fracture our relationship beyond repair. We’d gotten over me not telling him I had a son, but maybe another secret would be one too many for him.
“There’s nothing,” I replied, my face devoid of any expression, hoping he wouldn’t be able to read me.
“I know that’s a damn lie. You can’t fool me, Sam, but if you don’t want to tell me then don’t, but I’m really struggling here with the realisation you may actually have been a prick when Frankie was born. You’re my big brother and I’ve always looked up to you, yeah you talk shit from time to time, but you’re not a coward, or a poor excuse for a man. You’re a good man Sam and the brother I know wouldn’t have abandoned his child for no reason.”
His words felt like a punch on the jaw and I was glad I was leaning against a cupboard, otherwise I think I’d have stumbled with the despair at disappointing him. He was everything to me and he was the best man I knew apart from my dad, and the thought that he might think less of me made me feel sick. I wanted to be the one he looked up to, always had been from the moment he was born, but I was beginning to see he was the one I should be looking up to and I knew in that moment that Frankie deserved this man in his life.
