To be honest, it amazed me that Maisie hadn’t punched me in the bollocks and told me to fuck off after the way I’d treated her all those years ago. I wasn’t stupid enough to think she’d been thinking of me all that time, or us being a family had been what she’d wanted for all those years. I knew that, but for Josh being a dick head and a twat, and Elijah sticking his damn nose in, she may well have taken Frankie to a different swimming instructor and told me to drop dead. I’d helped her, she’d been grateful and it just so happened I’d enjoyed doing it and felt good about something I’d done for the first time in years.
“You were right about his appetite,” I said, looking over at Maisie who was taking a bite of her own pizza.
She giggled and held a hand in front of her mouth.
“God, sorry,” she replied, swallowing her food. “Yeah, I know. He’ll scoff all of that down, no problem.”
Our gazes fell onto Frankie who was studying a piece of crust intensely, then silence fell around the table again as we all continued eating. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, yet it didn’t feel right to me. I wanted to talk to Maisie and to Frankie. I wanted us to discuss our days, get to know each other and chat, but I was also conscious that I was still telling everyone that this was exactly what I didn’t want and it would not be happening. Shit, on the day that Frankie was born I’d told Maisie in the most fucking cruel way possible that there was no way she’d be getting a nice little family – so I had no clue why she’d even want to share the same airspace as me, never mind chit chat around the dinner table. Truth be told, the whole fucking thing was messing with my head.
“Bernadette is starting full time next week,” Maisie said, pulling me back from the shit storm in my head.
“Yeah, Angela called to let Eve know.”
“Of course you’d know.” Maisie rolled her eyes. “You’re the big boss man after all.”
I shrugged. “It took a while, but I got there in the end.”
“I think it’s great you achieved what you set out to do.” Maisie reached over to Frankie and handed him a paper napkin. “You’ve got tomato sauce all round your face. What on earth have you been doing, washing your face with it?”
Frankie took the napkin and scrubbed it across his face, only managing to increase the spread of the sauce. There was even some on his earlobe.
“Come here,” I said around a laugh as I leaned closer to him and with my own napkin wiped at his face and ear.
Once he looked a little more presentable, I turned to Maisie. “Better?”
She exhaled slowly and nodded. Her eyes were a little glassy and the sight of her made my heart jump. She stared at me without saying a single word and I held my breath as I watched the slight tremble of her chin. I didn’t know what was happening, but in that moment, I knew we were sharing something. We watched each other closely, words that I knew I shouldn’t speak forming in my head. My nerve endings were sparking off each other and I felt the urge to reach my hand out for Maisie’s.
All I’d done had been to wipe my son’s face with a paper napkin, yet my heart had expanded as though it was so much more. The way Maisie’s face had softened told me I wasn’t wrong.
“I’m sorry,” I said, glancing at Frankie.
Maisie’s eyes widened. “For wiping his face?”
I shook my head. “No, for so much more.”
Maisie inhaled and her head shot toward Frankie who was making slurping noises with his orange juice. He was totally oblivious of the tension between us, or that he actually had both his parents at the table. The only concern he had was whether he could suck hard enough to make a piece of ice stick to the bottom of the straw with the suction.
“Maisie,” I said, tentatively reaching a hand out.
Her gaze shot back to mine and her back straightened. “I don’t…Sam I…” she shook her head slowly and absent-mindedly screwed up her napkin and threw it onto her half eaten pizza.
“It’s fine. I’m sorry. I just…” I blew out my cheeks. “This is all so surreal. I have no idea what I’m doing, or why.”
“Um aren’t you eating pizza, because you’re hungry.” A little voice piped up.
We both turned to Frankie and I forced out a smile. This was not the time or the place for me to suddenly get a come to fucking Jesus moment about being a damn father. I wasn’t even sure that was what had happened, all I knew was I suddenly felt the guilt clutching at my throat and stopping me from breathing easily.
“Yeah, of course I am buddy. I was trying to be funny.”
Frankie screwed up his nose. “Well, it wasn’t really was it? I mean I’m not laughing and neither is Mummy.” He shrugged and went back to his game of catch the ice cube.
I looked at Maisie to gauge her reaction, but her face was impassive. Gone was the glassy eyes and the soft smile, now there was nothing, she was simply watching Frankie before flashing me a false smile.
“We should get going soon,” she said, clearing her throat.
“Muuuummm,” Frankie groaned. “Do we have to?”
“Yes, we do. You have school tomorrow.”
