I actually wanted to fucking run, get back in my car and never come back. I didn’t want to be involved in their lives. I didn’t want to care that some fucker had raised a hand to my son. I fucking didn’t want to feel anything, but I did.
I nodded. “Yeah, that would be great.”
Maisie
the past
My mum and dad were watching me warily, why, I had no idea. I’d come to terms with being single and pregnant at twenty-two years of age, they’d come to terms with me being single and pregnant. After my scan today though, they’d barely taken their eyes off me.
“What?” I asked, the biscuit in my hand halfway to my mouth.
“We’re just wondering how you feel after today,” Dad said, glancing at Mum.
“Fine, why?” I took a bite of my biscuit, giving them a dismissive shrug.
“Well it’s a big thing seeing your child for the first time,” my mum said. “We wondered whether you felt upset that the father wasn’t there.”
I still hadn’t told them who ‘the father’ was. I knew my mother and she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from rushing around to Sam’s parents and insisting that they make their son marry me or something equally as ridiculous. They’d argued with me, of course, but they’d eventually agreed it was my decision. I thought I might tell them at some point in the future, but for now I was happy to keep it to myself. The baby and I weren’t what Sam wanted in his life, so I didn’t want anyone rocking the boat and forcing him to make choices that he hated. Maybe I was being too generous and I should be thinking of my baby – was it fair to deny them of a father? If I was right though, Sam would be a great financial help, but it was doubtful he would provide any other form of support, and in my mind it was better for the baby to have no dad around than one that flitted in and out of its life, creating a lot of heartache for them. I actually didn’t blame Sam. At least he hadn’t told me stuff I’d wanted to hear and then let me down, and while I didn’t want his money, I also realised that realistically I couldn’t do this without some help. I knew my parents would help as much as they could, but they’d raised Libby and me and it wasn’t down to them to raise my child too.
“No, I wasn’t,” I finally answered. “It isn’t what he wants and I’m not forcing him. I can do this on my own. He’s helping financially and that’s it.”
I thought about the solicitor’s letter I’d received the day before, and I had to be honest, what Sam was giving me was pretty generous. I’d expected an offer of a hundred a month maybe, but it was way more than that. It would mean I could afford a decent place to rent eventually.
“Why can’t you just tell us who it is?” Dad asked for the millionth time since I’d given them the news.
“I don’t want to. I never want it slipping out and so it’s just easier if I don’t tell anyone.”
“Will you tell the baby?” Mum asked. “When it’s old enough to understand.”
I shrugged. “I’ll think about that at the time.”
I hadn’t really thought about it if I was being honest. I knew I’d got a few years before it would come up, so call me an ostrich, but I’d worry about it then. Luckily, we lived on the other side of town to Sam, and it was a big enough place that we’d probably never see each other. My best friend from primary school only lived a ten minute walk away and I hadn’t seen her for eleven years, so bumping into Sam wouldn’t be an issue.
Dad shook his head in frustration and picked up his newspaper, evidently deciding he’d had enough of the conversation. Mum looked at him and then back to me before sighing and picking up the remote control to turn the TV over to one of the soaps.
As the theme music kicked in, my mobile buzzed on the arm of the chair. I picked it up and almost gasped out loud when I saw it was Sam. Even though we’d swapped numbers, I never thought for one minute that he’d ever contact me directly. I expected it’d be through solicitors, not that I thought he’d ever want to be in touch ever again anyway.
I glanced up, grateful to see that Mum and Dad were still occupied. Stupidly, I thought they may be able to read the text message from the other side of the living room. I then looked back to my phone, my heart racing as I did.
Sam: I just wanted to check the scan went okay today.
I was absolutely floored that he’d checked up on me, especially as it had been three weeks since I’d messaged him with the scan date. I’d told him I’d keep him informed, so had sent the scan date not expecting anything back, but I’d received a message that simply said – Okay, thanks for letting me know – even though I was pretty sure he wasn’t thankful at all.
I quickly sent a text back, glancing up at Mum and Dad every couple of seconds.
Maisie: All good. Baby is healthy and growing well
His response was almost immediate
Sam: That’s good. Take care
And that was it. Even though I kept one eye on my mobile for the next hour or so, no other text arrived and eventually I went to bed wondering whether Sam sending a text meant something, and hating myself for caring.
Sam
the present
I looked over at Elijah and decided that there was possibly no one less smug than my brother, and he was getting right on my nut sack.
