Samuel
the present
It was official, my brother hated me. He hadn’t spoken to me for three days, and it didn’t look like he was going to any time soon. Amy had told me to be patient, but that was something I definitely wasn’t, so I’d made her tell me where he was and I was going to meet him.
Walking along the path to the kid’s park, I could hear Bella’s chuckles of enjoyment as Elijah pushed her on the swing. Her little legs kicked excitedly as she clung on to the chains, her dark curls blowing behind her.
“She loves that, doesn’t she?” I said, coming up alongside him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Well it’s not to go on the slide, Elijah,” I retorted sarcastically. “Hey Bella.”
I waved at my niece and blew her a kiss.
“Unca Yam,” she cried before bursting into giggles again.
“Hi beautiful.”
I couldn’t help but break out the biggest smile in my arsenal for the light of my life. I bloody adored her and couldn’t ever contemplate her not being around now. She filled all our lives up with joy.
“See, Bella loves me,” I muttered to Elijah’s back as he continued pushing his daughter.
“She’s two, she doesn’t know any better.”
“’Gain Dada.”
We both grinned like love sick idiots as Bella held her hands in the air.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” Elijah eventually said, glancing at me.
“I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to try and understand.”
His gaze landed on me and lingered there for a few seconds before he exhaled and turned back to Bella.
“I can’t, Sam. I can’t understand how you can have a son and not want to spend every fucking waking hour with him. How you can just dismiss him from your life. How the fuck do you do that?”
I could do it because I was screwed over once before, because I fell in love with a child growing inside the woman I loved, only to be told it was all a big fucking lie – was what I wanted to say, but knew if I told Elijah that he’d hate me even more for keeping that from him too. Truth was, I was also ashamed, ashamed that I’d let myself be tricked by someone who I trusted and loved. Someone who stepped so far over the line she was in danger of falling off a cliff edge.
“It’s just not me,” I replied with a shrug. “The whole couple and family thing. I’m too busy with work and too fucking selfish to give anyone else any time. I was even more selfish then; when Maisie got pregnant. I was working towards buying the business and it was my only focus. I’d have been a shit dad to him and that wouldn’t have been fair.”
“Yeah,” Elijah said, grabbing hold of Bella’s swing. “But he’d have had a dad and I think you’re kidding yourself. I see you with Bella, you’re great with her. Do you think Amy would have let her stay overnight with anyone else when we went away for our anniversary, aside from our parents?”
“I dunno.”
“No, you know she wouldn’t. You asked us, instead of Bella going to one of the grandparents, could she stay with you and Amy said yes straight away, because she trusts you and knows how good you are with her, so don’t give me the ‘I’d have been a bad dad’ shit.
He moved to pull Bella from the swing and blew a raspberry on her cheek when she started to complain about it. I watched carefully as he strapped her into her buggy and gave her a cup of juice, wondering whether to follow him or just walk home and let him work himself out of his shitty mood.
“Another thing,” he snapped, turning to me. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me? I’m your fucking brother, we tell each other everything.”
I inhaled deeply, wondering how I could tell him without sounding like I was using him as an excuse.
“It was a difficult time, bro,” I sighed. “You were going through your shit-.”
“You could have told me,” he hissed, glancing down at Bella who was snuggling down in her buggy. “I know I was in a bad place, but you’re my fucking brother; I’d have been there for you.”
I placed a hand on his shoulder. “It wasn’t just losing Amy, you’d lost a child. How the fuck did I tell you that I wasn’t going to have anything to do with mine without you hating my damn guts.”
