“What if I adopt the baby? Clearly you don’t have the means to take care of a child, let alone an infant. Your own mother just tried to give you away at the hand of a young man she doesn’t even know. Surely, I can provide more than you.” She says, blatantly ignoring my previous warning to not stir the pot. Though she’s not entirely wrong, now is she? No, Kimmy here is simply stating the obvious facts. I have nothing to my name. No real home, no savings, nothing. I’m only just barely an adult myself. What can I provide for my own child? My back is being pushed up against a wall and it’s a bad move on their part because these women don’t know me from Adam. When I get pushed, I push back. Right or wrong, I’ll fight just to say I didn’t back down.
“No.” I growl out. It’s a warning they’d do well to make note of. There’s a menace in my voice that only my mother would recognize, but at least one of these fuck sticks would do well to learn quick.
“If one more person threatens to take my baby or attempts to buy my baby, or even just offers to make it easier for me to walk away from my baby, blood will be spilled. This is the last time I say this. My body, my choice. This ismybaby and I didn’t have to tell a god damned soul about it. I may not have money or a well-paying job like you do, but I’m also not fifty like you are. I haven’t had a lifetime to prepare myself for a situation like this one, but I will tell you this. I have more love and desire to make this life work for my baby than you ever will, and right now that’s all I need. You will all leave me the fuck alone and I will figure out my next move. Keep it up and none of you will ever see me or my little bean again.” I seethe, putting as much venom in my tone as possible. “Now you all can kindly fuck off and get out of my house. I’m going to bed because growing a human life is apparently tiring and I’m done with this shit day. Goodbye.” I turn and make my way into my room, slamming my door childishly for effect. Pathetic, but it makes me feel a little better.
I lay myself down on my bed and decide first thing in the morning I’m walking into the free clinic and signing up for as much assistance as I possibly can. I’ll get on my own two feet and everything will work out just fine. I refuse to think anything less.
Ever since I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, I knew that life was about to change in a big way and I’ll do anything and everything I can to prove that I’m not a dirtbag anymore. Me and this beautiful little bean are about to take on the world by force and fuck anyone who gets in our way.
Four
Baby beans are actually pretty cute… you know, for being nothing but a fuzzy little dot on a screen
Aria
May 2017
“See this right here?” The lady asks, pointing at a fuzzy little dot on the monitor.
“That is your baby. It looks like you are roughly twelve weeks along. I’d guesstimate your due date for some time around November twentieth. No doubt about it now, you are definitely pregnant. Do we need to talk about your options or have you decided what you’ll do? We can set you up with state funded insurance here and get you a permanent obstetrician or midwife to see you through your pregnancy, provided you’ve decided you’ll be keeping the baby.” She continues to go over information, letting me know she has pamphlets and recommendations galore as she pulls the ultrasound wand out of my vagina. Even though it’s easily the most odd encounter I’ve ever experienced, she’s still one thousand percent more personable than that evil bitch from thatYour Choiceplace.
Here I was thinking an ultrasound was supposed to be done on your tummy but that’s definitely not what just happened. She laughed at my wide eyes when she pulled that sucker out and told me she had to do what was called a vaginal ultrasound because I wasn’t very far along in my pregnancy, according to my last period.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, only slightly uncomfortable. Plus seeing my little bean on that fuzzy black and white screen was everything I needed to make the invasion of privacy worth it. The clinic nurse let me know that modesty would have to go out the window because having a baby meant a lot more vaginal checks than normal and there’s a lot of undressing for my checkups.
To be honest, I’m not really that worried about my modesty, I guess you don’t become a teen mom by worrying about who sees your hoo-ha but the size of the wand was a little intimidating. They aren’t exactly small and even if I’ve slept with a handful of dudes, it doesn't mean I went full porn star and got fisted or anything. Not that there’s anything wrong with that either, it’s just not what I’m used to. Books and movies always make it seem like a guy needs to have a giant dick to work it right. I’m cool with the average dick. Maybe a little above average even but if some guy tries to whip out an eleven or twelve incher, I’m straight bouncing. No fucking thank you. And that wand? Yep, that shit was bigger than a damn ruler. Heh, nah, I’m cool.
“I think I’d appreciate the help getting my insurance straightened out. It’s really cool that you guys help with baby supplies and stuff too.” I thank the woman and she directs me to get all of the paperwork filled out and then I’ll meet with the caseworker for the state funded insurance program to ensure I get health insurance before I leave.
I’ll also have a primary care physician, an OBGYN and have gotten all of the paperwork done for the baby to be insured once he or she is born. This place is super helpful and they have all kinds of assistance programs in place for women who need baby clothes, blankets, bottles and even some baby furniture. I guess I never really thought about how much it would cost to raise a baby, but I’m sure as shit thinking about it now. I have roughly five to six months to get enough money together to take care of this baby, find childcare and a full time job to keep supporting us. My biggest issue will be finding a place to live. I’m newly eighteen with no credit and a part time job. It’ll be a struggle but I’m willing to fight for it. This isn’t about me. It’s about my baby.
“Oh, of course. I can help set you up with a caseworker as well to help you find a job and housing. We’ll get you started off right. No one should ever have to go through this alone. Even some of our worst life choices bring us the biggest blessings. You said that the dad won’t be in the picture right? I’m sorry, but I have to ask, is it due to abuse of any sort?”
“No, he’s just… indecisive. I tried to tell him about my pregnancy and he hid from me like the coward he is, and then brought his mother to my mom’s house and offered to marry me or let his mom adopt the baby. He’s not abusive, just stupid, I think. I wasn’t exactly in a good place mentally when I met him and let my hormones guide me into his bed. Trust me, not even worth it. But you’re right about the blessings it’s bringing me. I’m genuinely happy about this baby. I feel so strongly about keeping her.”
“Her? It’s impossible to know the sex yet. You’ll find out at about twenty weeks gestation.” She looks at me quizzically.
“I just have a gut feeling. I know that might sound crazy, but I just know that she’s a girl,” I say with a smile.
When she gives me a sympathetic smile in return, I don’t feel like she’s pitying me or anything. This woman truly cares about people. I can’t imagine what it must be like to work in a free clinic and see the worst of things that women go through. They take care of everything here, even down to dealing with the traumas of physical and mental abuse and sexual assault.
It’s not something most people think about that it takes a special kind of person to do a job like this. I’m unbelievably thankful for her in this moment. I don’t feel the pressures of the outside world bearing down on me. I don’t hear the insults from my mom on a loop in my head. I don’t have the stress or worry about wondering what kind of job I’ll need to get to make money fast or if I’m going to have to drop out of school. No, at this moment, I have someone here that believes that I can make this work and I can just be happy that I’m growing a real little life within me.
“All right, well I think that’s it for the insurance paperwork. We’re just about done but let me give you some pamphlets so you can start the process of thinking about bottle vs. breast and disposable diapers vs. cloth, that sort of thing. I can help you get a head start with a breast pump, bottles, diapers, blankets, clothes, and a crib. Once the baby is delivered, we’ll be able to help you sort out formula if needed. Did you bring a car with you today?” She asks.
“Whoa. How is that possible? I thought this place was state funded. Not that I’m taking any of this generosity for granted or anything. I didn’t mean it like that, but isn’t all that kind of expensive? I’m genuinely just curious.” I say, earning a small laugh in return.
“Those aren’t offensive questions in the slightest. Most women that come through here tend to second guess any help that’s offered. Unfortunately, it’s second nature to them to question people’s motives when someone’s being kind. Believe it or not though, we have an incredible team here that’s sole purpose is to obtain donations and grants to help people in need. They do all the hard work meanwhile I get all the credit because I’m the one handing out the goodies, but they are the real superheroes of this place. I just take awesome ultrasound photos and help people get situated.”
“You shouldn’t undervalue how wonderful you are. Not everyone is cut out for dealing with the hard shit you do on your average day to day. To girls like me, you’re just as much a hero as the ones who made it possible for you to give me and my baby this head start in a new life. Please know that you’re appreciated. All of you.” I say quietly. I’m a screw up, yeah, but I know when someone deserves to feel valued.
Thanks to her, I now have a good start on things I’ll need for baby bean. I have health insurance for myself and the process is started for the baby. I have the application process started for housing and a plan to move forward with a job and school. For the first time since the news of this pregnancy, I’m fully confident that I can do this on my own.
It’s just you and me now little princess.
Five
Men are stupid. Don’t let them tell you otherwise
