Then I was falling, but warm hands circled around me before I hit the floor.
Suddenly, my world faded to black.
The bright light momentarily blinded me when I woke in my room. For some reason, it made me notice the walls. I wondered for the first time in months whether it should be white as opposed to a cream color.
Looking around the room, I sensed I was not alone. My gaze rested on the chair in the middle of the room, where Dr. Greene was sitting, his elbows on his knees. He looked at me attentively, waiting for me to say or do something. Something in his eyes made me think I was not going to appreciate a word dripping from his mouth.
He stared at me, frowning slightly. His hair looked disheveled like he’d been running his hands through it continuously.
“I had to give you a tranquilizer,” he said. “Before… in the office.”
I said nothing.
“I didn’t mean to cross the line. I was just trying to comfort you and was definitely not the reaction I had in mind.” He looked down at his shoes. “You spoke, you know, while you were asleep.”
Turning my gaze back to the ceiling, I let the light hurt my eyes, and it caused those little blotches of gray to form when I focused on the wall again. I did this repeatedly, hoping it’d help me go back to sleep, where there were no questions or accusations. I wanted my medication. I had no idea what time it was, but my body clock told me it was long overdue, which would explain why I’d spoken.
“You spoke,” he repeated. “So, I can’t for the life of me understand why you’re choosing not to. You sit in here day in and day out pretending to be mute and insane, and I don’t actually think you are,” he continued.
There was no way I would say anything, not ever. I just needed to make sure I didn’t miss another shot. So I ignored him and simply moved my gaze to the wall behind him, willing him to disappear, to leave me to fade into the background.
“Alyssa, help me help you,” he pleaded. “I’m not just here to keep you sane. I am here to help you get better.I want to help you, please.” He emphasized those last words.
When I said nothing, he growled and stood. I noticed his gray pants were creased, his white shirt slightly undone. The white coat covered these things, but I never missed a thing.It was my blessing and my curse,I reminded myself.
He stepped toward me, and I closed my eyes. Heat radiated around me, and I gripped the bed, needing to steady myself. I was falling into quicksand. The closer he got to me, the deeper I fell. The tremors started as a prickling in my scalp and slowly moved down my face and arms, and eventually, those sensations became an icy inferno. I started to convulse, my body lifting off the bed. Dr. Greene stood beside me, willing me to listen, willing me to calm down. Inevitably, he pulled out the syringe, and when his voice faded, so did I.
Twenty Years Ago
“We should fall in love, Alyssa.” My best friend, Mal, looked at me attentively. He’d been picking at the long grass growing out of the sidewalk outside my house.
“You can’t just decide on the spot. My mom said it took her years to realize she and my dad were in love.” I held my head up high, feeling proud I knew something he obviously didn’t. “Besides, it’s for adults, Mal. We’re just kids.”
“But I think I love you,” he pleaded, his doe eyes making my cheeks heat. I liked Mal. I’d always liked him ever since the day I walked outside my house and saw a moving van pull up.
I was six at the time when a car pulled in behind the van, and the cutest boy I’d ever seen stepped out. When he spotted me in my front yard, he ran straight up to me and extended his hand. I took it and introduced myself.
“We’re ten, Mal, ten. We can’t be in love.” I laughed and got up to leave, knowing my mother wouldn’t like me being outside when the sun was about to go down.
He tugged on my skirt roughly, causing me to fall back on my butt.
“Hey, what did you do that for, you big jerk?” I shouted.
“We can be in love, and we will.” He didn’t look friendly anymore. He looked cruel. “My dad said I could have anything I wanted, and I should do anything to get it.”
“I don’t like you much right now,” I told him, getting up and backing away from him. Running into my house, I swore I’d never speak to him again. But he showed up the next day with M&M’s, an apology, and a promise to never be mean to me again, and I was sold.
My throat was dry when I stirred awake, and I felt parched. The room was dark save for the dim passage light shining through the faded floral curtains on the small glass window. Turning away from the door, I shut my eyes, curling into myself. I didn’t like the shadows that passed by the window. A sound startled me. Was that soft snoring? I scurried up, backing myself against the wall.
There was someone in my room. I could sense it, and I had no means to defend myself, so I shouted, “Who’s there?” The words came out shaky.
Another snore and a shuffle.
“Who are you?” I shouted.
“Don’t panic, Alyssa. It’s me, Luke.” He stood, and I assumed it was to put a light switch on.
“You—” I realized what I was doing and immediately shut my mouth.
