“I know I do,” she scoffs as she shakes her head, her lips pulling in tight.
“I had no right to say what I did up there. I embarrassed you, and I am sorry. Fuck!” I run my hands through my hair.
Her face doesn’t convey much about what she is thinking or feeling.
“It was hard seeing them again, being scrutinized and judged like that. They’ve never stopped blaming me for what happened to Ro,” I take a deep breath.
“What happened, Brax?” Thankfully, her expression softens.
I wonder if it’s healthy for me to talk about what happened. To dredge up all of those past hurts and regrets, but when I look into Eliana’s big brown eyes, I know that if I’m going to hold on to her the way I know I want to, I have to let her in.
“Ro volunteered while I was in the Navy. They had this club that got together once a week to go over requests for assistance received from families of men or women in service. She was on her way back from one of those meetings when a car slammed into her head-on.”
She places a hand on her mouth.
“They’re right, you know? She wouldn’t have been there in the first place if it wasn’t for me. She’d have met a nice guy, settled down, and maybe the O’Hares would be grandparents now. Instead, they lost their only child in a senseless accident. The other driver fled the scene, but not before moving his passenger into the driver’s seat. The passenger died too. Witnesses say it was a man, but he got out of there so quickly none of them could identify him.”
“That’s horrible.” Eliana’s hands twist in her lap. “How can someone be so cruel? Did they at least identify the passenger?”
I shake my head. “She was pretty banged up, so much so she couldn’t be identified by facial recognition. They tried DNA tests, fingerprints and dental records but she was pretty much a Jane Doe. The car wasn’t registered either. It was all so messed up, El.” I sigh. “And what cut the deepest was that when I got home, I couldn’t even go to Ro’s funeral. Her parents wouldn’t let me near her. I tried. I begged, but they wouldn’t budge.”
“My, God.” She says just able a whisper.
“I get that they were angry. But to deny me that.” I press my palms against my eyes.
“Brax, why did you re-enlist?” she tilts her head to the side. Her words hold no judgement. She just wants to understand.
I lean forward, trying to piece together the words. “I lost my best friend out there. Marcus and I joined the SEALs at the same time, and when he died, in truth, the reality of living life on a battlefield became all too real. Some people run away, Eliana, but I couldn’t. I guess I wanted to keep fighting for the both of us. I re-enlisted even though Ro begged me not to. And a year later, she was gone too.”
She nods slowly. “I can’t even begin to imagine it.”
“I wouldn’t want you to,” I say softly. “I thought that staying away from everyone and everything that reminded me of her would make it okay. It didn’t. It just made coming back here that much harder.”
“You’re right though. I haven’t lost anyone close to me, so I don’t know what that feels like. But I do know that drowning yourself in a bottle isn’t going to bring them back, nor is running, Brax. You have to start facing your demons if you’re ever going to find peace.”
She’s right and I know it. Eliana is wiser than she realizes.
I hold her gaze, hoping that she’ll understand what words don’t always convey. The truth is, I’m so afraid to open myself up again, for fear of losing someone else, losing her.
A knock on the door has us looking away from each other. She stands and opens the door to a young woman who hands her two bottles of water. Eliana tips her and closes the door behind her.
“That’s no excuse for what I did.”
“It isn’t, Braxton. I’m leaving in the morning. I don’t know if this whole arrangement is working anymore, for either of us. I just think I need time.”
I nod. “Can I stay the night? I just want to be here.” I am not giving up on her, on whatever this is that’s happening between us. But I can give her space. I am not going to work for her father, and he is not going to tell Eliana how to live her life either. I’m going to be in her life. He’s going to have to live with that.
She smiles. “Okay. I was about to take a shower. I’ll be right back.”
I reach out and place my hand against her cheek. She leans into it, her beautiful eyes searching mine for answers I cannot give her right now. I promise myself that I will, no matter how long it takes me.
If I’d known a month or so ago that the fiery woman in the elevator would come to mean so much to me, I wouldn’t have wasted her time. I’d have done better, making sure she understands that she is so much more than a man like me deserves.
I take a large chug of water hoping to sober up and clear my head. It suddenly feels really hot in the room, so I remove my jacket and open up the window that leads to a small balcony.
I stagger backwards, feeling far woozier than I did moments before. I manage to walk back into the room, but everything is blurry. I call out for Eliana, but I’m not sure if a sound leaves my lips. My mouth is suddenly dry, and when I go to lie down, I miss the bed completely, my head hitting the side of the nightstand. I know without a doubt that I’ve been drugged. There is shuffling, shapes moving in and out of my view, until everything disappears.
