She moans, and I slap her between her legs, over her slit. She’s wet for me. She lifts her ass wantonly. They are all the same. I’m seeing her for what she really is now.
“Don’t keep me waiting.” she pants.
“Did I give you permission to talk, little bird?” When I bring the leather whip down on her ass hard enough to make her cry out in pain, she turns to face me. I hit her again, loving the red tinge on her skin.
“Sai, what the fuck. That hurts.” she shouts.
See. She’s a defiant whore.
“Shut the hell up,” I yell, at her, at the voice in my head.
“Sai, undo these now.” The girl on the bed uses my name like she knows me. She doesn’t. Nobody does.
Punish her.
I use my hand this time, smacking her so hard that my fingerprints mark her flesh. She’s a whining little whore. I go to the case and bring out a speculum. Then I kneel between her legs. She keeps yelling and defying me. I push a finger into her hole. It’s tight, just the way I like it. I slip my fingers in and out of her, and like the whore she is, she’s drenched again. I push in another finger, and she squeals.
“I wonder how many you can take.”
“Sai, what the fuck is wrong with you? Stop it. I don’t want this.”
I reach up and grip her hair, tugging it until she screams, continuing my exploration of her pussy with my other hand. “I don’t care what you want.”
She starts to cry, and it’s like music to my ears. I retract my fingers and push in the speculum, her screams echoing around the room, and I return them with a laugh. My dick is so hard, and I can’t wait to be inside her.
Sai. Stop.Another voice tells me before I start to open the instrument. “What?”
I stare at the bed in horror, scooting back off it. My chest tightens, and it feels like I’m going to have a heart attack. “Sai.” Kennedy cries, and it reaches something in me. I stand, removing the instrument from inside her.
“I’m so sorry.” The words come out of my mouth, but they sound distant. Foreign. I undo her restraints, and she’s shaking. I go to touch her, but she retreats from me, scooting up to the headboard. She wraps her arms around her legs and stays curled up.
“Don’t touch me.” her words burn.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” I sit on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands. I feel tears stream down my face, which is completely foreign to me. I can’t look at her. It could be minutes, an hour, but I hear her shifting off the bed. She opens the door, and I look up to see she’s dressed. What the fuck was I thinking, coming here alone with her?
“Güzel.” My words fade to nothing.
I stand and dress, finally finding the will to leave the room. I make my way to the upper deck in a daze. I find her curled on a lounger. She looks up at me, her eyes swollen from crying. “Take me home, Sai.”
I nod and disappear below deck to tell the Captain to take us back to shore.
I give her space. I want to explain. I want to tell someone for the first time in my life about the darkness that lives inside me. But I keep my distance. I send a crew member up with a blanket and get the chef to make her a meal. When we reach the docks, I let her leave. When I emerge later, I see that she didn’t even touch the food. I have to talk to the only man who understands this. It is time.
* * *
Deniz is sippinghis signature whiskey and ice as he lounges on his patio, looking at the sunset. His house isn’t as large as my father’s, but it is more modern and more lavish. Ravi isn’t home which is a good thing. The last thing I want to do is speak to my friend right now. Walking through the house, I am reminded of the times Ravi, and I ran through here, Deniz and his wife Layla shouting at us to be careful.
“Ah, Sai, come take a seat.” Deniz pats the lounger next to him. He’s wearing sunglasses and looks relaxed in beige chinos and a navy-blue golf shirt. He’s probably been golfing on his course behind the house. “You look like you need this more than I do.” he considers me the drink in his hand.
He stands and fixes me a drink, which I thankfully accepted, and I’ve downed half of it before he’s seated again. Her eyes. That is what haunts me. The fear I saw there. It’s something I used to revel in, with other women, women I didn’t care for. Is caring for a woman even possible for a man like me? The pain of others has been a vice for me for the longest time. But now, now I feel like the worst person in the world.
“You’re a straight shooter, Sai, so I’m going to let you get right to it.”
“Is there a cure? For this? For me?” I look at my father’s best friend, my godfather.
He sighs. “Where is this coming from? You’re getting engaged this weekend, to a woman who doesn’t care what you are.”
I finish my drink and stand to pour another. “It’s been a year since that incident since I’ve been that way. But-” I don’t know how much I can say to him.
