31
Wyatt
2018
Dear Wyatt,
I haven’t written to you in years, but time doesn’t seem to be on my side. It’s strange how when we were younger, we all thought we had forever, and then life happens, and suddenly you are living from day to day wondering which one will be the last.
I dreamed of Josh last night, and he was walking in the snow, his footfalls leaving deep crevices in the drifts. I called out to him, and he turned to me, a smile on his face and light surrounding him. I had no idea where we were. There were mountains all around us, and although I knew it was cold, I didn’t really feel it. It was like I was wrapped up in a warmth I hadn’t felt before.
I have no idea what that means or if it means anything at all, but it made me want to write to you. To tell you that I saw him and that he looked happy.
The day we met, I was a drunken mess. The pain was just so hard to bear, the loss of Josh too raw. Even after a year, it still didn’t make sense to me. I guess it never will. I used to wander this house like a ghost, wondering how the color could have drained from my world so quickly.
We were supposed to marry, six months after he died. He promised me that we’d have the world, that it’d be and him until the end of days. It never did happen, and so I canceled the venue, the catering, but I couldn’t cancel the dress. It would make it too real. Instead, I wore it and visited his grave plot, flowers in hand and ice in my heart. I sat there on the ground until the rains came and soaked me through.
But then you knocked on my door that day. I remember thinking how sad you looked. It’s like your sadness mirrored my own, and I let you inside my home not knowing you’d hold my heart one day.
I remember what you said to me when you were leaving that night. You said that you wanted to be friends. You wanted to be the one I called when I needed someone to talk to because you’d promised Josh you’d be there for me. I went to bed that night sure I would never see you again. You see, when Josh died, so many people stopped by, but none of them came back. I guess they were tired of the sadness, and you know I was a ball of it back then.
In any case, you came back, you wrote, month after month, telling me about your world and telling me about the girl who broke your heart. My heart started to mend, and I knew that I wanted to fix yours.
I met her, your sunshine. She was busy with a bunch of daisies that day, arranging them into some kind of cupcake. She looked up and smiled, her eyes as blue as the sea. She didn’t know me, and yet she gave me all that happiness inside herself. She was busy, so I spoke to her assistant and ordered the flowers you probably threw out. I want you to know where they come from. I want you to know she’s still there, behind the clouds.
When you asked me to be yours, I wasn’t sure you were ready for such a commitment, but I fell in love with you, and my heart hurt less when you were around. I asked you a million times if you were sure, and you told me you were. The war had taken so much from you; it wasn’t about to take away the rest of your life. I didn’t know I’d get sick. It was the least of my worries, but maybe I should have paid more attention. They say my heart is failing, they aren’t sure why. I know it’s not the case, but my heart is hurting for you, for me, for Josh, for Hayley.
I wonder if in another lifetime the four of us will be friends, go out dancing and to the fair. Maybe I’ll be her bridesmaid, and she’ll be mine. Perhaps you’ll pick out a ring for Hayley with Josh by your side. These are the things I think about, and the fact that I want you to find her, talk to her, tell the things you were so afraid to say. Because life is short, Wyatt. It’s uncertain, and the only guarantee you have is that it’ll come to an end, but who will be beside you when it does?
Loving her never meant you didn’t love me.
On the contrary, you loved me in a way most people only dream of. You knew I wouldn’t stop loving Josh, and you loved me anyway. And it made me love you more than a few words strung together can express.
Go find her.
Love her.
Choose her every single day.
Always,
Erin
The tears streamdown my face. Erin was such a beautiful human being, and it was almost incredulous that she was gone. Unthinkable. She brought so much happiness into my life, and even at the end of hers, she thought of me. There were no secrets between us. There were days when she missed Josh so much it nearly killed her, and I’d merely hold her while she cried. That is the thing most people don’t realize; when you choose to love someone who has loved and lost before, it isn’t as easy as turning a page. You become a part of their story, another chapter. It’s how we made it work. We never tried to change each other. Instead, we loved each other's imperfections.
I think of Hayley, and there is no doubt I still love her, but that doesn’t mean much if she is done with me. I didn’t expect to do half the things I did. I thought I was protecting her heart but instead, I was shattering it into a million pieces, and now . . . Now, I want to pick up all the shards heartbreak left behind.
