“Fine.” His expression is hard, and I wonder what happened to him out there in the world. What nightmares has this man faced that changed him so significantly?
“I’ll call you. We can have dinner or something.”
He holds my gaze, wordlessly accusing me of the time he’s lost with our daughter. I want to shout at him, tell him all the ways he’s let me down. All the reasons I couldn’t tell him. But deep down, I know that keeping him in the dark was a horrible thing to do. I was selfish. I wanted to protect my daughter from getting her heart broken.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever you want; whatever you think is best.”
I hate how guilty he makes me feel. I hate how angry I still am at him.
We sit in silence for a long time, and I wonder whether we will all find a way to get along, for London.
* * *
Dinner is quiet,and I can’t help but give Logan the cold shoulder. He was wrong not to tell me even though Wyatt asked him not to. We were friends for such a long time. He was there when I cried over Wyatt. He was there when London was born. Surely he knew that was important? I stare at him across the table. He speaks animatedly at London and throws me longing glances every now and then. He wants us to be a family again, and I wish I could find it in my heart to give him that. There was just too much history.
“Can we talk?” I ask him when he’s tucked our daughter in bed.
“Of course.” He smiles as we walk toward the porch. The night is chilly. I’d start my range of winter flowers soon, and the world would get ready for the festive season. It was all happening too quickly. I tuck a throw around my legs and sit back in my chair.
“Why didn’t you tell me you saw Wyatt, back when London wasa baby?”
He lets out a breath. “He told you that, huh?”
“I just don’t get why you kept it from me.”
“He asked me to.”
I spin in my seat and glare at him. “You know that means shit to me, right? It was about doing the right thing. It was about correcting me whenever I said he never cared, or that he never came back.”
“Hayley, he didn’t give me time to explain.”
“But you knew how it looked. You knew I was waiting for him to come home.”
“So, what? The fact that I’ve been a father to London all these years means nothing now that Wyatt’s strolled back into your life?”
“Of course not, and you know that isn’t what I mean.”
“It’s always been about him, hasn’t it? All these years, and no one could measure up to Wyatt Barnes.”
“That is not true, and you know it. Nothing is going on between the two of us.”
“Is that why you’ve been so distracted since you saw him at the funeral? Isn’t that why you refuse to give us a go, because you’ve been holding out for him?”
“I don’t want to argue about this. I just want to know the truth.”
“The truth is that he never deserved you. The truth is that you always chose him, even when he never wanted anything to do with you. The truth is that you kept holding on to a man who never put you first, but I did. I did.” He stands and flings the throw off him. “I have always been here with you, Hayley, but you never did see that.”
“Logan. I love you, but I am not in love with you. I have no idea what I feel for Wyatt, but that isn’t something I want to think about now. He wants a place in London’s life, and I want to give him that.”
“So what I want no longer matters,” he growls.
“Of course it does. You will both be in her life, you know that.”
“So I’ll be the outsider while you two will play happy family with my daughter.”
There’s no getting through to him when he’s like this.
“That is not what I meant.” I sigh. I’m exhausted. This conversation is tiring me out. “Logan, are you listening to me?”
“I am listening. But everything you’re saying points to what you want, what you think is best.”
“That’s because I’m her mother, Logan, and I want what’s best for her.”
“And I have been the only father she’s ever known. I should go.” He stands, storming out.
I close my eyes and stay where I am. This is a huge mess. The last thing I want to do is alienate Logan. That is not my intention. In an ideal world, this will all work out. Like Mamma Mia. All her fathers were just happy to be in her life, and they all got along famously. Experience, on the other hand, is not like that. I have a man who is broken and alone, and all he wants is a relationship with a child he fathered and never knew existed. And on the other hand, there is Logan, who is an incredible man who loves my daughter unconditionally. Where the hell is the middle ground?
I drag myself into the house and into bed.
Closing my eyes, I decide that tomorrow will be the day I sit London down and tell her all about Wyatt. Maybe she’ll be angry or sad, but perhaps she’ll understand. Maybe she won’t hate me as much as I hate myself right now.
