20
Wyatt
2012
My tent is dark save for a slit, which lets the moonlight shine through. It’s a reminder there is still light out there in the universe, even if I haven’t been able to see it in a while. I can hear Sergeants Larson and Riggs snoring softly on cots on opposite ends of the four-person tent. It used to house four before Josh died. There isn’t much space, but it is a luxury compared to the cold ground, which had been our bed for the last three months.
Coming back to post was not what I had in mind. I want to be out there, in combat, but my superiors recalled me.
I learned a great deal about death for years, and I realize, I’m not scared by it anymore. It’s the most natural thing in life. It is more certain than life and love. It is the one thing that is guaranteed not to disappoint.
Fuck, I spent my life disappointing people.
I sigh as I sit up on my cot. The air is humid, and mosquitoes buzz around my ears. I think about writing Hayley a letter, but I can’t seem to find the words. I’ve written her a thousand letters in my mind, but none of them adequately express what I feel.
I want to tell her that I will always love her. That this duty I have to fulfill will never be more important than she is to me. I haven’t seen her face in two years, but I remember the curve of her nose and the smell of her hair. I remember that she scrunches her face when she tries something new, whether she ends up liking it or not is irrelevant. I remember the firm softness of her breasts in my hands, and the way she moans my name when she comes apart. Those were the things that kept me sane.
I stand and make my way outside the tent. I need some air. The night is calm, unnaturally so. It’s like this after a battle. It’s like the post holds a moment of silence for the souls lost out in the field.
2006
I want to see her, but I know I have no right to ask that of her. I have no explanation for why we haven’t talked in a year. I have no explanation for why I chose to run with the rebel crowd. I guess I was going through something, and I wanted to push her away instead of dragging her down with me. I’m sitting on my porch smoking a cigarette. My parents are asleep. I made sure I checked in and then snuck out when I heard them snoring.
I watch as the BMW pulls up and he runs around the hood to let her out. She’s a vision as she stands under a streetlight. He looks down at her, and my fists clench. They exchange a few words, and he hangs his head. She stands on her tiptoes and places a kiss on his cheeks, and I grin.
She walks up the path and turns to wave at him. I hear her door, and the asshole gets into his car and drives off.
I take another drag from my smoke.
I close my eyes and remember her lips on mine, the way her body molded against me, and I’m instantly hard. I should go inside, jack off, and go to bed, forget the whole thing happened.
“Wyatt,” she whispers, and I open my eyes to see Hayley standing in front of me. She looks troubled, and I want to take it all away.
“Hey,” I say and move up so she can sit on the porch seat next to me. She sits and pulls the cigarette from my mouth. She takes a drag and starts to cough.
“First time?” I smirk, and she nods.
“I saw you sitting here when I was walking up the pathway. I wanted to – I – I don’t know what got into me earlier.” Her eyes are downcast, and she wraps her hands in the skirt of her dress.
I nod. I don’t want to make this awkward for Hayley when she regrets it.
“When do you leave?”
“In three weeks, after we get our diplomas.”
“You ready?”
“As I’ll ever be, Hay. My dad thinks it’s the noble thing to do. The right thing.”
“What do you think?” She searches my face.
“I want to start over.”
“Oh.” Her voice is small. She turns to the street. “We spent so much time out here.” She smiles, remembering something from our childhood. “I’m going to miss you, Wy.”
I throw my cigarette and stamp it out.
I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips. “I’ll miss you too.”
