4
Hayley
2018
Maybe we are supposed to love,
because there is so much heartache in the world.
Maybe a balance is needed.
You break, and love heals.
You cry, love soothes.
You fall, and love picks you up.
Until the next time.
— Excerpt from Wyatt’s journal
His footfalls areheavy as he trudges down the wet pathway behind me without saying a word. I don’t look back. I keep walking forward. I am soaked from head to toe. Strands from my hair stick to my face, and the wind sends chills through me.
You should not have come, I chastise myself. But my heart hurt for the man I once cared so deeply for. Maybe a part of me wanted to see him in pain. It was an evil thought. I push it into the recesses of my mind.
There is no reason he should be following me, but I can’t deny that my heart aches in my chest just a little, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. I stop at my car and spin around to face him. My stomach somersaults. He stands just a few feet away from me; I stare at his chest, unable to find the words. Why couldn’t he be as ugly as his heart is?
“Don’t . . .” He struggles with his words. “Don’t leave. I’d like you to stay.”
I shake my head and raise my hand to stop him. Why should I stay? What should I wait for?
I turn and close my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I unlock my car with the remote, which trembles in my hands, and open the door. I feel him closing the gap between us. I step back and find myself against his chest, having to push him slightly with my back. He wraps his hands around my arms, the contact searing me. This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn’t have come.
“Don’t . . .” It’s a whisper, a plea, and he instantly drops his hands.
I hurry into the car and lock the doors and watch him standing there. His hands on the roof of my car. The rain falls down his face, but despite that, I know he’s crying. I hate how much it hurts me to see him like this.
This man held my heart once. He held my soul. And now . . . now I need to get as far away from him as I possibly can.
All of it meant nothing. Wyatt never loved me. Not enough to fight for me.
He had a choice, and he didn’t choose me.
He chose her, and now he wants me to stay, to watch him go through the motions of losing his wife. I grit my teeth.
He came home to her. He never gave me a second thought.
I turn the key in the ignition, and he staggers away from the car. I pull off, refusing to look in the rearview.
“Goodbye, Wyatt,” I whisper.
* * *
It’s beenthe longest month of my life, and a part of me feels like I should never have gone to that funeral in the first place. What the hell had gotten into me? I let my mother talk me into it, and I wound up regretting every second of it.
Who the fuck am I kidding? I was curious; I wanted to see him again. All it did is prove that I could never hate him. After everything, I just couldn’t. But I couldn't let him near me either. Our paths collide once more, but we are entirely different people now. That didn’t push the thoughts of him away.
I was doing just fine. I was over Wyatt. It’s been years. Years since I saw him. Years since he made me realize what a fool I’d been to believe all the lies he fed me.
