Page 63 of Captivating the Earl (Lords and Ladies in Love 5)

The words echoed in her mind. Would her life ever return to normal? But, of course, her prior normal would not be the life she would have from now on. She was a married woman—a countess. As much as she was grateful for the protection Hawk’s name gave her, she had also traded her freedom to do as she liked and placed her very life and happiness into a man’s hands.

The last time she had been in that position was with her father and that had not ended well. Sometime in the near future, after this mess was cleared up, she and Hawk would have a conversation on how they were to go on. She didn’t want to be subjected to a man’s decisions. Had her father confided in her about his money troubles they might have solved the problem together. She certainly would not have endorsed the track he’d decided upon.

While she enjoyed Hawk’s protectiveness, she did not want it to be all encompassing, leaving her out

of decisions, and not allowing her a say in matters that concerned her.

They stopped in front of her townhouse and Hawk looked around. No one was about, but he still led her around the back.

“How will we get in?”

“Trust me.” He moved to the door and drew something from his pocket. He squatted and inserted the implement into the lock. He wiggled it a bit, then the latch clicked, and the door drifted open about five inches. He stood, returned the item to his pocket, raised his finger to his lips, and took her hand. “Stay behind me,” he whispered.

They crept into the dark room. They were entering the kitchen. Lizzie immediately shivered, remembering so many days spent here, begging Cook for biscuits. She could still feel the warmth from the now-dark fireplace, and the scent of cinnamon and yeast from the bowls in shadow on the shelves along the walls. They continued up the servants’ stairs to the ground floor and moved down the corridor to the library. “We will start here.”

Once she stepped into the room, Lizzie wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming sense of loss that engulfed her. Her father’s chair sat behind the large desk where he’d spent many hours going over ledgers. It was here that she would sit, as a small child, and play with her toys while he worked. Sometimes he would invite her to sit on his lap and he would read her a storybook.

Since Mama had died when Lizzie was very young, Father was the only parent she remembered. On a darker side, it was also here that he’d told her what he had done to finance her Season. Unbidden tears flooded her eyes, choking her. Her chin quivered and she wanted to sink to her knees and cry her heart out.

Instead, she wrapped her arms around her middle and turned her back to Hawk. Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she made no sound. Hawk touched her shoulder and turned her around. She backed up a few steps, shaking her head, her eyes downcast. “Come here, Lizzie.” He reached out and pulled her against his chest. “Cry, sweetheart.”

“You don’t understand,” she blubbered. “He was such a good father to me. My only parent.” She fisted her hands in her eyes. “He made one horrible, devastating mistake and that is all he will ever be remembered for.”

“Not by you.” Hawk’s thumb and index finger rubbed her neck as he merely held her and let her speak.

“And the last thing I said to him was how I hated him for what he’d done.” She pulled back and looked up at him. “I will never forgive myself for that.”

“We all do and say things when we are under duress that we wish we could take back. But life doesn’t work that way. We must move on and live the way the person we let down would want us to live. If your father went to that extreme to see you have a successful Season, then he loved you very, very much. You know in your heart that had he the opportunity, he would have forgiven those remarks. That is what you must hang onto.”

Her cries had turned to soft hiccups. She accepted the handkerchief Hawk handed her. He continued to rub her back for a few more minutes. He kissed the top of her head. “Now I think we best get on with our mission here. The more we linger, the better chance there is of someone finding us.”

“Yes. You are right. I am better now. I was just seeing all this.” She waved her hand.

“I understand. You search the desk, although I’m sure that was the first place the Home Office would have looked. I will tackle the bookshelves, to see if I can find anything hidden between the pages, or behind the books.”

Lizzie nodded, and taking a deep breath, she moved to the desk and pulled out the drawer in the center. She slid her palm underneath it for a secret panel and found nothing. She almost laughed at herself. That sort of thing only happened in books.

After a full hour of searching every inch of the library, Hawk fisted his hands on his hips and surveyed the room. “There is nothing here. I would say your father’s bedchamber is next.”

He looked down at her where she sat on the floor, her legs crossed in a most unladylike manner. Thank goodness for breeches. She had scoured every inch of the library while Hawk had pulled books from the shelves.

They trooped upstairs, taking apart all the bedchambers, as well as the drawing room. They eventually moved to the wine cellar, then food storage rooms and even the attic. They turned up nothing.

Right before sunrise, Hawk and Lizzie sat side-by-side on the floor, their backs resting against the wall, since many pieces of furniture were missing. “I hate to say this, my dear, but it appears whatever it is that has someone very nervous is not in this house.” Hawk turned to her, tucking the always wayward curl behind her ear. “There is a very good chance whatever notes or incriminating papers he had he took with him to America.”

“That is what I am thinking.” She drew her legs up and rested her chin on her knees. “What do we do now?”

“I had hoped to visit with the Home Secretary tomorrow”—he chuckled—“today, actually, and to present him with documentation that you were in no way involved in your father’s crimes, and the name of the person who was.”

“Since we have nothing, will you turn me over to the Home Office, then?” She heard the terror in her voice.

Hawk pulled her against his chest. “No. Never. Do not trouble yourself with that thought. I will not allow anyone to take you from me.” He cupped her face, his thumbs caressing her cheeks. “Trust me, Lizzie. I promise you we will settle this matter without you having to go anywhere near the Home Office. I love you. You are mine to protect and protect you I will.”

She shook her head slightly. “I appreciate your protectiveness, truly I do. However, we must speak soon about how far your concern may go. I do not want to be left out of decisions that involve me.”

Placing his lips against her temple, he whispered, “Have I told you how much I enjoy looking at you in those breeches?”

His words were definitely a ploy to dismiss hers. However, his devious plan worked as her breath hitched, and her heart sped up at the hunger in his voice. “You might have mentioned it once or twice.” She smiled at the tightening of his hands on her arms.