Page 27

“Thank you,” she said, moving away from the window. “Merry Christmas.”

“And to you. I must say, this is quite the celebration. Have you always done it up this big?”

Leah laughed and felt her tension ease away. “Always. My grandparents love to throw parties. We get together once a month for birthdays and more than once if holidays are included. They celebrate everything from New Year’s to Fourth of July and on to Christmas.”

He smiled, and she felt it stir something deep within. How easy it would be to lose her heart. She could understand how Susanna and other women found themselves caught up in romantic notions. Thankfully, she was made of stronger stuff.

“We had so few celebrations. In fact, we were lucky if our birthdays were remembered. That was usually done by Father.”

“What of your mother? You’ve said very little about her.”

“She deserted the family when I was fourteen, but really she was never there for us.” Erik’s tone took on a derisive edge. “I think the only person she ever thought of was herself.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It was hard on all of us, but my father said we had to forgive her. I personally felt she should have been the one to come and ask for such pardon, rather than having us just volunteer it. Father, however, likened unforgiveness to carrying around a heavy sack of putrid manure. You carried that weight and smell with you everywhere. It would eventually permeate your clothes and skin and hair. He said forgiving was much better. You could take it to God, set the sack aside, and walk away. It didn’t mean the sack wasn’t still unbearably awful, but it was no longer yours to carry and endure. You could trust God to deal with it. In time, you’d wash up and rid yourself of the smell and mess that was in that sack.”

Erik shook his head. “I’m afraid I’ve done a poor job of it when it comes to my mother. I’ve taken back the sack more times than I can count. God never stops me, but I imagine Him sitting there shaking his head, wondering why I can’t just leave it with Him. Of course, He already knows why. He knows I’m unwilling to just let go of the hurt she dealt me.”

Leah was surprised by his candor. “I’m sorry, Erik. That would be truly painful to deal with. I cannot imagine a mother not loving her children.”

He frowned. “Nor can I, and yet we see it every day in the orphanages and city streets.”

“Sometimes the mothers leave because they know their children will be better off. I cannot fault a woman who brings her child to others for help. I’ve seen those women up close, talked to them, cared for them. They’re deeply wounded, and sometimes their pain blinds them to everything else. Is it possible your mother’s pain blinded her? Perhaps she walked away rather than do something harmful.”

Erik looked at her for a long moment. “I have considered that, of late. It wasn’t something I even allowed myself to ponder when I was younger. At first, I blamed myself. When I was very young and saw her so unhappy or angry, I felt certain I had somehow brought those feelings about. Years passed by, however, and I would hear my parents argue. My mother always talked about how she was forced to marry him because of their parents’ arrangement. Father pointed out that he, too, was forced to endure marriage to a stranger but that he had come to love her. She said she would never love him, nor the children she’d been made to bear.”

“How awful. I’m so sorry.” Leah could hardly believe he was sharing such a deeply personal thing with her.

Erik shrugged and walked to the window Leah had just stepped away from. “I don’t even know if she’s still alive, to tell you the truth.”

“Would you ever want to see her again?”

“No.”

“Not even to demand an explanation?” Leah asked.

Erik turned back to face her. “How would that help? No, I don’t want anything from her. I wouldn’t trust her to speak the truth, and it’s much too late for apologies.”

“Perhaps we should change the conversation to something more uplifting.”

He smiled. “I think that would probably be best so as not to ruin the day. Have you made all your plans for the new unwed mothers’ house?”

“That’s hardly the topic to change to. You don’t approve of me starting such a place, so speaking of it would hardly suit our desire to not ruin the day.”

“I don’t disapprove of you wanting to start such a place. I only want you to think through all the details and the needs for such a home. I don’t want you to allow pride to interfere in good decisions.”

Leah stiffened. “And you think that’s how I will manage things? Not that it’s any of your business. You don’t even know me. How can you make such quick judgments?” She realized the very anger she was hoping to avoid was quickly building. “Never mind.” She held up her hands and smiled. “It’s Christmas, and I do not wish to argue. We should stop this discussion.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you. Honestly.”

She swept across the room toward the door, but Erik reached it first in four long strides. He took hold of her arm and turned her to face him. “I mean it, Leah. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.”

Her gaze met his. The nearness was intoxicating. Leah thought again of how easy it would be to lose herself in his eyes. His touch. For a moment, she let it just overwhelm her. Was this what her friend had experienced? Was this why she had given in to doing something she knew was wrong?

Leah shook off the feelings and nodded. “I’m sure we can put it aside, at least for Christmas.” She pulled away from him and opened the door. “We should join the others.”

Erik watched her go from the room. He felt consumed by a desire to run after her and pull her back into the library where they could be alone. For just a moment, he’d seen something in her eyes that suggested desire. It intrigued him, and he’d almost asked her about it. The idea that she was starting to have feelings for him, however, wouldn’t leave his mind. Did he want her to care about him—to desire something more with him? Was it possible they could have a future together? Could he have a future with anyone, given his inability to let go of the past?