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“There, there,” he tried. Jack had always been better at plotting and scheming than handling emotions, regardless of who they were coming from.

“You’re really bad at this,” Greer said through sniffles, as if reading his thoughts.

“How can I be better?” Jack asked, the earnestness nauseating to his own ears. “How can I help you stop crying?”

“I think I just need to cry,” said Greer. “Sometimes that’s important. With grief, that’s really all you can do at times.”

“Really?” Jack tried to think back to his own grief, but it was another one of those things he never let himself properly feel, much less remember. After all was said and done back then, he was right back to his old ways again in less than half a year. Greer was off starting her new married life, and it wasn’t long before the other You Agains graduated high school and started down the paths they’d travel for years to come: Dale picked up odd jobs in town and met Savannah, Carter went off to college for graphic design and illustration, and Eli continued his merry-go-round with the law. But as high school faded from being the core distraction of his life into a memory, Jack simply carried on as he always had. He’d shed some tears in that hard wooden pew next to the others, but otherwise his grief hadn’t seemed to require much taking care of. He’d felt bad about that from time to time, as though he should have suffered more, as though it should have taken him longer to start living again in the face of death, but he couldn’t help it. At the end of the day, Jack McCoy would always be Jack McCoy. It was the only thing he knew how to be. It was the only thing that made sense to him. And when everything he thought he knew about the world was upended one summer night, it was the one thing he’d needed most. The rest was for another time. Another place. Another life.

“You don’t have to stay,” said Greer, dragging Jack back into the present. “If it makes you uncomfortable.”

“I can handle it.”

Greer leaned her head on his shoulder, tears still dancing freely down her cheeks. “Is this okay?” she asked.

As the warmth of the tears seeped into the satin fabric of his tasteful cream blouse, he realized that, for the first time in their friendship, Greer was letting him see her shadows. Something between them had shifted since they’d spoken the previous day, something important enough for her to trust him with her tears when she never had before. It was like by clearing the air, they had also cleared enough space to pack in all the parts of life that didn’t quite fit between them before, as if defining their friendship as just that and removing the hopes or fears about anything more meant they could properly, truly, deeply be friends.

“Yeah,” said Jack. “This is okay.”

38

Jack and Greer reemerged a short while later, having spent the better part of half an hour in a comfortable silence as Greer let her tears run their course. When they returned to the kitchen, one of the stools around the island stood empty.

“Where’s Eli?” Greer asked before Jack had the chance.

Carter gave an apologetic shrug. “I tried to keep him here, but he wouldn’t stay.”

“Dude,” said Jack. “Come on, you were in charge.”

“I know,” said Carter. “But you know how Eli can be. Besides, you said yourself we have no leads right now. What trouble can he possibly get into over this?”

“Have you met Eli?” Greer cried. “Fuck. I’m calling him.”

“Good idea,” said Jack. Then to Dale and Carter, “Did he give any indication about where he might’ve gone?”

“Sorry, Jackie,” Dale said. “He just said he needed to go and then dipped.”

“I don’t think so,” Carter said. “I really did try to talk him down, man, I promise.”

“He did,” Dale testified. “Got in Eli’s face and everything.”

“I reminded him about how much he wants to stay out of jail,” said Carter. “Told him if he does anything stupid, he’ll end up right back there, but I don’t know how much he was listening. He was like a man possessed. But like, not in the way you are. In a feral way.”

“Shit,” Greer said, phone to her ear. “I should’ve known to watch my tongue around him. He didn’t need to hear me so upset.”

“No answer?” Jack asked with a tip of the chin at her phone.

Greer shook her head. “This is my third time trying. It keeps going straight to voicemail.”

Jack felt a rush of adrenaline surge through him. If Eli’s history with decision-making was anything to go by, this would not have a happy ending.

“Okay,” he said, slipping reflexively back into his usual role. “Greer, take Carter. Go check his house, his usual haunts, anywhere you think he might go under the circumstances. I’ll keep calling him, and Dale and I will stay here in case he comes back.”

The words came easily to him, the plan fully formed before he’d even been aware of it. And just as Jack McCoy returned to the helm, the others moved to carry out their instructions without a second thought.

“You always know what to do, Jackie,” said Dale as he made his way back to the couch.

Jack walked Greer and Carter to the door, offering a quick hug to Greer as she stepped onto the front stoop. “We’ll find him,” he said into her hair.