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I don’t know what he’s after. That’s the problem. Since Ella was born, our roles have been weird and toxic, but at least clearly defined. This new thing feels like a trap.

Every day, I try so hard to make the right decisions. When Ella was a baby, they knew me by name on the new parent forums and at the East End Mission, which provided things like formula and parenting help. I’ve spent hours quizzing the lady who cuts Ella’s hair so I know how to take the best care of it. Trying different moisturizers for her skin because I found out she was sensitive to fragrance after she broke out in hives.

And I’d challenge you to find any other guy my age who knows how to hide vegetables in pasta sauce or a batch of brownies.

I’ve listened to audiobooks until my ears bleed, all trying to get some idea of how to be the adult I never had in my life.

But there’s no research I can do when it comes to having Mike in my bed at night. No Reddit thread ‌will explain how I’m supposed to respond to his gentle fingers in my hair or his hand rubbing my thigh. Or tell me how I’m supposed to sort out my want for him and my need to do the best I can for my daughter.

If I confront him he’ll tell me he’s only trying to help his niece, but I just don’t know. I can’t shake the fear that this is nothing but another way to keep me off-balance.

For years I’ve barely kept up with him. Now, I feel like I’ve been dragged out to sea while he’s confidently standing on the shore.

And it feels like I’m drowning.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Michael

“That old rich dude wants a few days with you this week,” Brennan says as he hands over an envelope.

Ok. I know what I do isn’t legal, but nothing makes me feel more like a criminal than getting handed a thick envelope of cash. “You’ll have to be more specific. But I already told you I’m taking the week off. I’ve got a thing I need to deal with.”

The thing is I need a damn break. It was arrogant to think I could break the seal on years of denying myself when it came to Dean. I thought I’d walled off my feelings with anger and discipline. More like wishes and prayers.

My anger toward him fades every night that he clings to me in his too-small bed.

Brennan gives me the same look I used to get from my mom when she knew I was lying but had no proof. “You’re telling me you’re going to give up the cash equivalent of a semester at Belle Argo University for ‘a thing’?”

When my phone buzzes with some incoming texts, I use the opportunity to stress my lack of interest in Brennan’s offer.

Ravi: Hey! Do you have time for coffee sometime soon? I’ve got some banking questions to ask you.

Michael: Sure, little man. Next week?

Dean: Ella wants you to come over for pizza. I know we talked about pretending to be a couple so she wouldn’t give it away at the school, but I’m thinking that could be confusing for her. Maybe we tell the school she doesn’t know we’re engaged yet and that’ll be fine.

Oh, hell no. If Dean thinks he’s going to brush me off that way he’s got another lesson to learn.

Michael: Fuck you. Get me one with mushroom and extra garlic. Gonna make you choke on my dick again after.

To Brennan, I say, “I’m not a student. Don’t need tuition money.”

The shit with Dean, I don’t address further. I’ve never second-guessed how he does things with Ella, because I know he does everything with her best interests in mind. Does that mean I won’t make him squirm about it, though? Of course not.

Across from me, my pimp makes a noise in his throat that clearly broadcasts his impatience.

Even though I try not to smile, the corners of my mouth tug upward. I’ve never much liked Brennan. Do I respect his position and power? Yes. Am I afraid or beholden like the rest of his “employees”? Fuck no.

I also don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. Brennan is only ever out for Brennan, now included.

“It’s a lot of money,” he repeats.

“I already have a lot of money.” Honestly, I could take this job or leave it at this point. I’ve worked it out with Brennan so I only take the most lucrative gigs, the ones that are most efficient as far as how much effort I have to expend to get each dollar. I’ve invested well. I’m good.

What’s keeping me in the game is mostly Dean. He doesn’t worry enough about himself in his quest to support Ella. Sticking close to Brennan and the business helps me keep tabs.

I’m reminded of a few days ago when Dean nearly got mowed down in the parking lot outside this building. He’s not as stupid as he thinks he is, but that was fucking dumb. Still not sure what had him so distracted, but I’ll get him to fess up.