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Stay Another Christmas

Page 93

by Phillipa Ashley

The place had his mark everywhere: new books, annotated papers, his laptop sprinkled with crumbs and a blob of marmalade, unwashed mugs and a half a loaf from the posh bakery in Keswick. A rush of affection, and yes, of love, surged through her but she knew it was the love of one dear friend for another, not quite brotherly and more than platonic, but absolutely nothing like the feeling that Arlo inspired.

Those feelings were complex yet blindingly simple: a delicious tension, a longing to see him every moment of the day, and a lust that made her body tighten and tingle every moment in his presence, although she’d continually had to suppress it since that first night with him.

‘Thanks.’ Katie snapped back to the moment, feeling bad that she’d allowed herself to think of Arlo for a second when her focus should be on Ned.

Ned put a mug in front of her and sat down with his own. ‘It’s OK. I can see your face. You don’t have to feel like the villain. I know I’m losing you – have lost you.’

She swallowed. ‘You haven’t lost me. I’ll always be your friend and I don’t want to be a villain.’

‘No, wrong choice of words. I should know better. However, I do not like ‘F’ word much either.’ His sad smile broke a little piece of her heart away.

‘More than a friend. Much more. I will never forget what you did for me and I wish that I could give you a fairytale ending. I can’t.’

‘I had thought there was hope for us after you said you still loved me at Dalton’s cave.’

‘I couldn’t lie to you and I won’t now.’

‘And I love you for that, Katie, but please don’t tell me I deserve someone who loves me truly, madly, deeply or any of that shit. Or who’ll deliver my fairytale ending.’ He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his tone.

‘I won’t. You don’t want a fairytale. You never have.’

He heaved a sigh. ‘You know me too well. All I will say is that I had to try. When Wanda invited me, I thought that with time having passed and a new year on the horizon, we might be able to start again. Although I think I sensed, deep down, that that wasn’t going to happen.’

‘I have tried to believe it might. I had to give it another chance but I have to accept that it’s over for us.’

He took her hand. ‘I know. I suppose, on the upside, I can draw on this for my screenplay. I’ve always wondered if Dalton was running away from a lost love affair and now I can pour all of this angst into exploring that …’

‘Oh, Ned. This is real. Don’t joke about it.’

‘Katie, my love. I am as far from joking about losing you as you can imagine. I will always love you. As a lot more than a friend.’

‘Will you stay on after this? I hope you will.’

‘Probably. I’ll make a decision tomorrow. I was going to do some more research but, well, I’ll see how it goes.’

‘OK.’ Will you let me know when you’re back in London? How you are? If you’re OK?

Katie realised, with a sharp pang, that she could not ask him any of those things. She’d ended their relationship again and she had no right to, no matter how much she cared. She would have to find out from others, from Jess … if Jess could even face him now.

She allowed herself to look into his beautiful, soulful eyes one final time before remembering the inscription at the entrance to the cave: ‘DON’T WASTE WORDS’.

‘I have to go. Goodbye, Ned. I’m sorry things ended like this and I hope you achieve everything you want in life.’

She walked out of the Bothy, closing the door behind her.

She quickened her step and headed into the lane, knowing she couldn’t go back to the Island House yet.

She ought to feel lighter after easing the burden but her heart was still in pieces from saying goodbye to Ned. She needed to cry, shout, calm down – everything at once – so she walked as fast as she could, not caring where. There wasn’t a soul around, and only the Herdwicks for company. Some stared at her as she passed, but most ignored her.

Eventually, she reached a corner of the lane and recognised the car park where the taxi had dropped her on the first day she’d arrived. It was tucked behind a small knoll that jutted out into the lake. The jetty was fifty yards beyond the car park, out of sight.

Somehow, she needed to get back across to the house. Who knew how long Athene and Jess would be. At least it was dry. She could sit and wait by the lake, read a book on her Kindle, or probably sit and stare and think. Or maybe cry.

The one thing she could not do was tell anyone what had passed between her and Ned, other than perhaps Jess. Katie had already been free to start a new relationship, even though Ned had walked back into her life, yet she hadn’t felt free. At least, not free enough to risk her heart and Arlo’s.

Walking across the car park and through the bare trees, she heard shrieks and shouts. A gaggle of orange floats and hats came into view about twenty metres out in the lake.

It was hard to make out individual faces but Katie couldn’t mistake the loudest voice, squealing with excitement, shouting for joy and splashing the others like a toddler.