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His shoulders sink almost imperceptibly. “No.”
“Are you planning to?”
“I know I have to. I’m just... Not sure I want to know.”
I understand that feeling better than most. Sometimes hope survives because truth hasn’t caught up with it yet.
“When Elijah starts looking, he won’t stop at the easy answers.”
He looks up at me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean he digs.” I hold his gaze. “If there’s something to find, he’ll find it.”
He nods slowly letting the words settle. I just hope for his sake, whatever Elijah finds, it doesn’t shatter his world.
Chapter 23
Saint
If someone had told me a week ago that I’d be voluntarily sitting in a quiet lounge with five people I’d only just met, I’d have laughed in their face. Then probably demanded they explain what drugs I’d apparently taken.
The fire crackles softly in the hearth, throwing warm amber light across the room. It’s cooler tonight, enough that Bri and Ember have commandeered two ridiculously fluffy blankets, tucked over their legs as they curl into one sofa together. Bri’s in the middle. Jax is on one side of her, Ember on the other.
They’re all watching Lennie attempt to explain something about tomorrow’s floor plan. I should probably pay attention. Instead, I’m tucked into one end of the opposite sofa, Luna occupying the other while she’s practically lying across Lennie’s lap, her legs draped over him as if gravity simply decided that’s where they belonged. They fit together so naturally it makes me smile.
I slip my phone a little closer to my chest, angling it away from Lennie. Not because I think he’d look, I just can’t bear the thought of anyone else seeing. My thumb scrolls to another photograph. Aaron laughing, head tipped back. Sunlight catching the ridiculous curls he’d spent twenty minutes trying to tame that morning. I remember taking it. He’d complained immediately afterwards. ‘Delete that. Saint, I look ridiculous.’ A small smile tugs at my lips. ‘Correction. You look adorable.’
Without thinking, my fingers find the locket resting against my chest, the familiar shape settling beneath my thumb as I rub absent circles across the cool metal. Today was wonderful. There I said it. Wonderful. Laughing until my stomach hurt and posing on ridiculous fantasy thrones. Watching Ember come alive around horror sets and gently bullying Bri into embracing her inner divorced queen.
I spent an entire afternoon… Living. And somehow... That feels like betrayal. The guilt settles heavily in my stomach. How dare I laugh? How dare I have fun?
I’ve spent so long surviving that I don’t know what to do with the idea of living. And worse... I’m lying to every single person in this room. Not little lies. The enormous kind. The sort that swallow whole friendships.
How do you even begin that conversation? ‘Hi everyone, funny story but…’ No. Absolutely not. They’d think I’d finally lost what little sanity I had left. And could I blame them? I’m not entirely convinced I haven’t.
My eyes drift across the room to Jax. He’s saying something quietly to Bri who’s laughing. Nothing about the man sitting opposite me matches the monster I’ve spent so long carrying around in my head. And I hate that. Because every time I think I’ve found another reason to justify my feelings... To prove he's not a good person. He quietly proves me wrong.
Again. And again.
It’s exhausting.
“Are you ok, Saint?”
The question startles me. It's Jax’s voice and I look up to find him watching me. Not suspiciously or awkwardly, just... Concerned. His brow is knitted slightly like he’s genuinely worried.
His empathy is so unexpected it catches me completely off guard, and I’m not sure what to do with it. “Yeah.” The lie comes automatically. “Just tired.”
He studies me for another second before nodding a soft acceptance.
“I think I’m going to call it a night,” I say, standing before my mask slips any further. I’m not ready to face the consequences of my own actions.
“Night, Saint,” Bri says, waving from beneath her blanket.
“Sleep well,” Ember adds.
Lennie raises his whisky, whilst Luna blows me an exaggerated kiss. Naturally I catch it with dramatic flair, raising a sweet smile from her.
“Night mate.” Jax waves.
