Page 7

“Yes. I trust you.” Violet glances at the clock, then back at me. “It’s getting late. I’m supposed to be helping in the clinic this afternoon. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Lifting on her toes, she kisses my cheek, and I’m faced with the awful realization. These meetups cannot be a regular thing; someone will notice, and outside of my friends, I don’t know who I can trust.

“Hey… It’s best that you don’t come back.” Her eyes widen a fraction, and she takes a step back.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, don’t come back. I’ll see you at rehearsal and with the others, but we can’t meet up on our own like today.” She hangs her head and turns to walk away.

“You only ever want anything to do with me when we are alone. See you with our friends? You don’t look at me when we are with our friends… I’m so stupid,” her last words are barely a whisper under her breath, but I catch them. Goddamnit. I grab her hand and pull her back to me.

“No, Violet. Please don’t regret today.” Her brow pinches together, and she tilts her head.

“How can you ask that of me? When you regret it yourself,” her words bite out as she rips her hand from mine.

“I don’t regret it.” I reach for her again, but she steps back, pulling away from me even more.

No. No. No. My heart pounds against my chest, my temperature rising, and my palms turning cold.

“Why not? Because you got to get off?” Never in our lives have I heard this much attitude come from her. My heart pounds harder, and my stomach twists. I reach for her again, snatching her hand before she can pull away again.

“No, Violet, it’s not like that!” My nerves bubble until they burst through the surface. I’m panicking.

“Then tell me why.” Her eyes glisten as tears well up, truly ocean eyes.

“Do you remember the note I sent you four years ago?” She nods. “Then you know that I can’t tell you…” She shakes her head.

“You can tell me anything. I’ve gone in circles trying to figure out what it could be that you won’t tell me. Cain, there isn’t anything so bad that you’d drive me away.” I bring her hand to my lips and kiss the tops of her fingers.

“It’s just safer for you not to be with me…”

“If you’re worried about my safety, wouldn’t the safest place for me be with you?”

“I don’t think so.” A teardrop falls down her cheek.

“With you is where I feel safe…” She whispers, digging her nail into her cuticle. I hate her skin picking. “I’m just glad things didn’t go any further.”

Further, I want things to go further.

“Violet…” I swallow. I reach for her, but she wraps her arms around her middle and turns to leave, but stops to look at me once more.

“Just so that you know, you’re the only person I would have done that with.” She leaves, and that dreaded tightness in my stomach returns.

She’s gone…

And I’m empty, again.

Pain is nice. It forces me to be present, feel alive, and often produces something beautiful when it’s over. Good feelings are more chaotic; the euphoria I felt being with Violet yesterday had me abandoning all reason and jumping headfirst into something I don’t fully understand. And I can’t do that. I can’t lose control of this situation; who knows what would happen if I did?

I’m leaning back on my stool, staring at my portrait of Violet. I’ve been adding freckles that I had the pleasure of being close to yesterday. As well as making her complexion flush, like when she was hot and bothered and writhing beneath me.

My door bursts open. Surprise, surprise, not. Only Pru makes an entrance into my personal space like that. Pru shoves a plate into my lap, nearly knocking me off my stool, then slaps me over the back of my head.

“Agh, what the fuck, Prickly Pear?” I rub the back of my head, then look down at the plate. It’s another deconstructed sandwich, just like yesterday.

“How about you don’t go around leaving hickeys on and simulating sex with my friend, only to tell her never to come back?” She gestures to the plate. “Here’s the lunch she made for you. Not that you deserve anything that she makes. But she begged me to bring it to you, so here it is.” Fuck me. Despite hurting her, she still went out of her way to make this for me. I take a deep breath in, letting it out in a sigh. I hate doing this to her. Pru sits down next to me, gesturing to the food. “All that said,”she sighs, putting aside her attitude. “Please eat it… I’m really worried about you.”

Leaning over, I kiss her head. Then we sit in silence, staring at my portrait, as I eat every bite laid out for me.

I have to fix this.