Page 31

I knew if I asked another ghoul—not that I actually could—they’d tell me the second option was the right one. Not that any other ghouls would’ve gotten themselves into this situation. I was the “weirdo perv” for feeling this way about a human. Other ghouls would say it was depraved. Unnatural. They’d say the only option was to cut all ties with the human warping my brain and not be such a sick bastard in the future. They’d say even considering exposing us to a human was despicable and dangerous.

And they’d be right. If I was really honest with myself, I knew the noble thing to do was not to expose him to something he might not be able to handle knowing, and in the process risk a lot of other things, including the business we both worked for.

The noble thing to do was to gently end this now, to let Ricky move on with the memories of his first experiences with a guy and find another human to be with. At the end of the day, the best thing for him would be a swift and momentarily painful break now that, in a few years, he probably wouldn’t even remember the ache of. It would just be a neutral memory to him, a brief fling, his first taste of being with a man.

It wouldn’t to me, of course. It would gut me. But I wasn’t the important one here.

Was I capable of being that noble? Noble wasn’t really a word I’d ever used about myself before, and I definitely couldn’t see anyone else using it to describe me either. My dad and brother thought I was a total wastoid. My mom was as supportive as she could be, but clearly wished I’d make something more of my life—join the family business, settle down with a nice ghoul girl, have some ghoul babies. Some of my friends thought it was hilarious that I was still happy just working in a mall food court instead of taking a cushy position at my family’s funeral home. A lot of other ghouls thought those of us who worked here were lazy and becoming too “humanized.”

But as soon as I seriously considered it—ending things with him without telling him why—my entire being physically recoiled at the notion. I just couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to be hurt that way, to be left confused and wondering if he’d done something wrong.

Shit, it almost felt like I was going to burst into tears right here in the kitchen at work, with asswipe Johnny just behind me peeling potatoes. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d cried, and I did not want to do it in front of the d-bags I worked with.

It was almost the end of the day, which meant very soon, I wouldn’t be able to avoid Ricky anymore, and I’d have to make a decision. Before we’d parted ways last night, we’d made plans to send Johnny and Daphne home a little early today so we could close up together and hang out again.

I’d made those plans because I was an idiot, and because I’d still been loopy and cum-drunk and high on sugar and Ricky at the time. Not yet letting myself fully feel the guilt that had just started to creep in while I said goodbye to Ricky in his car, fraying the edges of my unbridled happiness. No, that’d hit me when I’d been driving myself home. That door in my mind had burst open violently, and the monster within had come tearing out, roaring and screaming and slashing with its claws.

By the time I’d gotten home last night, I’d been shaking again, but not from pleasure anymore. Not from Ricky’s touch. From the terrifying realization that I couldn’t let things continue the way they were, with Ricky having no idea what I really was.

I glanced at the clock on the wall and swallowed thickly as dread filled my belly. Now was the time to send Johnny home. Ricky would be offering the same to Daphne right now. Because that was what we’d planned. So I needed to do it.

Johnny didn’t need telling twice. Within thirty seconds, I was alone in the kitchen. After standing there in silence for a few minutes, my brain still spinning endlessly in torturous circles, I started cleaning up. Slowly, methodically, moving on autopilot. I’d been doing this so long I could complete my nightly checklist with my eyes shut.

Which meant it did nothing whatsoever to distract me from the monster thrashing and screaming in my brain, forcing me to make a decision, and soon.

Ten minutes later, I took a deep breath in the hallway and braced myself before walking into the other kitchen. I needed to shore up my defenses, because otherwise I’d be completely hopeless again. A mess. Willing to drop to my knees and worship at Ricky’s feet once more. Willing to live with this gnawing, horrible guilt if it meant I just got one more day with him.

When I finally stepped through the door, my gaze immediately and unerringly found Ricky over by the sink. The smile he gave me was so sweet, so happy to see me, that my insides clenched up so hard it hurt to breathe for a few seconds.

I was pretty sure I’d had a vague thought the other night about already being half in love with him. Welp, that ship had already fucking sailed. It was already long gone, not even a speck on the horizon anymore. Forget being half in love with him, I was just fully in love with him. There was no doubt about it. I was so gone for him, it wasn’t even funny. It was kind of pathetic, honestly, how fast and hard and completely I’d fallen for him.

And by the end of the night, he was probably going to hate my guts. So. That was something.

I stiffened and started to tremble just a little when Ricky approached. I couldn’t move, couldn’t meet him halfway. I just stood there, still agonizing over what to do like I had been all night and all day.

When he reached me, his tongue darted out to swipe over his lips, and his eyes met mine, his gaze simmering with longing and relief, like the day had been just as long for him as it had for me. Just for a different reason, I guessed. Because I was a piece of shit who was lying to him, and he was sweet, and precious, and everything good in the world.

He placed a warm hand on my chest, making my heart thud hard, then leaned in to kiss me.

And I let him, even though it was so wrong of me. I couldn’t stop him. I was helpless when it came to him. Completely defenseless. I wasn’t strong enough to do anything other than desperately soak up whatever he was willing to give me while I still could.

I threaded my fingers through his hair as I kissed him back with a pathetically needy groan, sliding my tongue into his mouth. Ricky shivered, arms slipping around my back as he pressed himself against me. My dick started perking up immediately, already conditioned to respond to his scent and taste and warmth.

I knew I had to stop fucking kissing him until I figured out what to do, but it was physically impossible. It just was. I didn’t make the rules. Ricky was basically the other half of me, the piece I hadn’t known I’d been missing, and who was capable of saying no to the literal other half of them?

The kiss quickly grew frantic and messy as we both stopped thinking all that much. A welcome respite for me. I’d been thinking all fucking day. Ricky’s fingers were clutching at my back, his tongue thrusting eagerly, his hard dick rubbing against mine through our pants.

He was the one to eventually end the kiss, probably when he remembered where we were. We were both breathing faster, and I struggled to open my eyes and come back to reality.

God, I didn’t want to make this decision. I hated making hard decisions, and this was the hardest and most agonizing decision I’d ever have to make. Why did life have to be so goddamn hard? Why couldn’t I just switch my brain off and go back to drinking beer and sucking Ricky’s dick and kissing him senseless like before I’d started actually considering the moral implications of being with a human?

Maybe it all would’ve been so much easier if it had been a different human. One who wasn’t Ricky. But then I would’ve never wanted them in the first place.

I didn’t want anyone else. He was it for me.

“You okay, El?”

Oh fuck. My chin wobbled for a fraction of a second as heat prickled at the backs of my eyes, which were still shut. Like I was a kid who thought everything disappeared when my eyelids were closed, and therefore I didn’t have to deal with my problems.