Page 71

Dad dragged me by the arm, stomping through the underbrush, Dario’s panicked shouting fading into the night.

I barely slept. I kept thinking about Dario in that dark wood shed all alone. It’s not easy, staying in there when the night goes black. I’d been on the receiving end of that punishment once before and it’s still a memory I don’t like bringing back, but I hadn’t been tied to a chair that night, only locked in with a padlock and a promise to beat me to death if I tried to leave early.

The second the sun rose, I found Dad in the study. He glared at me, but he looked as tired as I felt. Can we get him now? Dad only grunted and stood. Boy probably learned enough by now.

Dario was cold. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt someone after they’re gone for a few hours, but he was like ice. Dad untied him, laid him down on the floor, pounded on his chest and shouted at me to get help. I stood there and looked at my older brother, the best of us, still and stiff.

All I kept thinking as I ran from that shed is, I killed him. I killed him. I did that. I killed him.

“Oh Bass,” Mari whispers, hugging my arm. Her face feels wet and warm and I realize she’s crying. “Oh my god, Bass. I’m so sorry.”

“It was a broken rib. Cracked right into his lungs. Freak accident, the coroner called it. Must’ve happened when I beat him. Years later, I asked a doctor about that injury and the guy explained how a wound like that is slow and fatal. Since then, I’ve pictured Dario struggling for breath, yelling for help as he realized what was happening, his lungs filling with blood, until he couldn’t breathe anymore. His lips turned blue, his body went stiff. I did that to him.”

“No.” Mari hugs me tight. “No, no, no, you didn’t do that. Your dad forced you.”

“But I’m still the one who broke the rib. I’m the one who left him there.”

“That’s why you leave lights on, isn’t it?”

“I left Dario in the dark. I won’t do that to anyone else.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Believe me, love, I’ve thought about it a lot, over and over again. If I had refused to beat him that hard, Dad might’ve punished me too, but he’d be alive. If I had gone to check on him like I wanted, but was too scared, he might be alive. If I had done a dozen things different, Dario might still be here. But he’s not, and it’s because of me.”

Mari wipes her eyes, shaking her head fiercely. “That’s why you tried to send me away. You think you’re dangerous.”

“I know I am.”

“No, Bass. You’re not.” She pulls my face toward her, glaring. “It wasn’t your fault.”

I lean down. I can’t help myself. She’s so sad, so beautiful. I’ve been living with the pain of Dario’s death since I was a child and the wound isn’t as fresh for me anymore. It’s more like a rotten pit in my heart, a dead limb lingering. Always there, never forgotten, a quiet reminder of what I am.

Broken. Ruined. Death.

I kiss her gently.

“It was my fault,” I say, stroking her cheek. “And yes, it’s why I try my hardest to protect people around me, because I think maybe if I save one life, I might make up for taking another. But that’s not how it works. Scales don’t balance. Death is an ending and there’s no getting past it.”

“You aren’t sending me away.” She kisses me again, desperately now. “I don’t care if you think you’re a monster. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re making a mistake.” It’s all I can say because a sense of relief washes through me. If I were stronger, if I were better, maybe if I were the kind of man who could’ve gone to check on my brother that night, I might convince her to leave, but I’m not. I’m fucking weak and always have been.

I’m weak and I need her and I can’t make her go, not a second time.

“It’s not a mistake.” She hugs me hard. “This is where I want to be.”

I don’t know why, now that she can see what I am. She’s the first person I’ve told since I was a kid. My family knows, but otherwise, people think Dario died in a ranching accident. I can’t bring myself to tell the world my deepest shame.

I killed my older brother.

I did it with my bare fucking hands.

And now if Marisol doesn’t find a way to escape, I’ll do it to her. Not on purpose—it wasn’t on purpose with Dario either—but it will happen. It always does when I get too close.

There’s a reason I keep my distance from Vince, Nico, and Lia.

They’re all I have left.