Page 123

She grabs my hand and pushes past the wall with arms. Once we’re through the double doors I squeeze her hand. “You’re going to kick my ass in the breakup, aren’t you?”

“Only if you piss me off while I’m exhausted and hungry.” We force a laugh that sounds exactly like what it is.

I pull her behind me up the stairs. The nurse at the CCU desk knows Birdie and waves us through to a small anteroom outside my father’s room. Before I go to find my family I stop at the window.

He looks gray and small. The monitors are steady and his chest moves. His hands are folded on the blanket like he’s still conducting a meeting. I put my palm flat on the glass for a second turning away before I crumble. A man talks to me while I stand there. I take in the information but never stop looking at my father’s lined face.

Birdie’s down the hall. I walk straight to her and hold her while she sobs in my arms.

Colin and Ginny are there surrounded by empty coffee cups. Ginny’s holding Nan’s hand as Colin stands up and grabs me by the shoulder. We hug and exchange all we need to through the embrace.

“We’ve got to go open The Little Bird. There’s a private party tonight and Delilah is on diaper duty. I’m so sorry.” I nod.

“No man, thanks so much. Love you.” He slaps my back, the one he’s always had. Ginny pulls Kat into a quick fierce hug and says something in her ear I can’t hear, then they’re gone.

Nate pulls me into a hug that goes on too long the way Nate’s embraces always do. Sweetie completely in her typical role stands, arms crossed, face composed. But when I get to her something shifts. Her chin wobbles once, quickly, and she puts it away fast. It’s the most honest thing she’s done in years and I don’t say a word about it. I embrace her stiff body while Kat greets Birdie.

I watch as she pulls her shoulders back and greets Rob and Nan. Her father takes her into his arms and she finally cries. I watch her knees go, and I understand. She’s been holding it together since Cairo for us. Now that Rob has her, she can finally let it all flow out of her. We can take turns falling apart.

I cross to them when she surfaces. Rob extends his hand and I take it. “Good to meet you properly, sir. I wish it were different circumstances.” Rob holds my hand a beat longer than necessary and whatever he sees in me seems to satisfy him because he puts his other hand over mine and nods.

“Thank you for being here, Rob.” He pulls me into an embrace warmer than I expect.

Nan steps forward. She opens her arms and pulls me in for a hug, no back patting, no performance. “It’s all family now,” she says into my shoulder. She means it. I can feel she means it and that pulls at the part of me I was starting to forget. The liar, the cheat, the swindler. She’s earnest in her emotions and so am I, but the realities will crush me.

Kat appears at my side. I take her hand. The ring is warm from where I’ve been twisting it around her finger. She crosses to Birdie and asks if she can get her some tea. I watch my mother’s face soften.

“Katy, you seem to know what I need before I can think of it. I’d love a cup of tea.” Nan reacts slightly to her being called Katy.

Sweetie hisses from her chair. “Mother, when I asked if you wanted tea an hour ago, you said it was the last thing you wanted.”

Birdie turns on her with a tone I haven’t heard since we were children. “Well, Sweetie, now I want tea.”

Sometimes it pays not to be someone’s daughter. Sweetie rolls her eyes at Kat, tightens her lips, and sits back down. Her posture adjusts. Her jewelry gets straightened. The mask goes back on.

Nan and Birdie have migrated toward each other in their matching St. John knit jacket energy, similar hand gestures, finishing each other’s observations about the CCU coffee. It’s slightly eerie. I catch Kat watching them too and her expression says she’s filing it away to mock later, which I’m already looking forward to.

I lead her away from the cluster to a quieter corner of the waiting room. It’s her shift to be strong, and I need a minute that isn’t performed for anyone.

“He’s sleeping.” I pause and try to find the right words for what I saw through the glass. “He’s so frail and gray.”

“Gray?”

“Yeah, like when you dress up like a zombie or a mummy for Halloween.”

She looks at me steadily. “He looks like he’s wearing gray makeup?”

“Yes.”

She takes my face in her hands and kisses me. It’s brief and sweet and not for anyone watching. “Are you alright?”

“He’s stable and strong. The ventilator’s already out and apparently that’s a great sign.”

“I asked if you’re alright.”

I pull her in and rest my chin on her head. I exhale for what feels like the first time since Venice. “I’m going to stay for a while.”

“I can stay all night. A little coffee and I’m good to go.”