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“Did you get it? Is Hayden hideous?” I breathe in and out. “Are you hyperventilating? Dax said he’s not bad-looking.”
“Dax?”
“That’s the dude I fucked last night. We were way past go when we revealed our names. After a brief moment of laughing, we got down to business. I’m with him now, let me gloat while you breathe.”
I tuck a stray hair behind my ear and pinch my leg. It hurts, so I know I’m not in some kind of fugue dream state.
“There’s not enough oxygen in the world. Hayden is Danny.” There’s silence. “High school Danny.” I grit my teeth and say forcefully, “Danny.”
“Danny with the ridiculous last name that no one believes is real?”
I fling my arms around, as if she’s in the room. “YES! He must have changed his name. I don’t fucking know.”
“And you never recognized the only love of your life, the reason you’ve had pathetic sex with a string of insanely boring men, was on the other end of the phone? You know you sound like an absolute moron, right? He didn’t recognize you, either? Or did he?”
He wouldn’t play me like that—or maybe he would? He did break up with me in the dumbest, cruelest fashion. I’m hanging on by a thread, but I defend myself.
I say, “Would you recognize the voice of someone you haven’t spoken to in ten years and only knew for three months?”
“Point taken. Not even sure I’d recognize my ex-husband’s voice and it’s only been two since we last spoke. You never suspected?”
“How? All he did was cut me down and prank me, and Danny only ever propped me up.”
“You never told me about the insanely short timeline on this little tale, by the by.”
“Whatever. It was love. It was important and I’ve never felt like that again. That’s all beside the point because he’s in an office down the hall, and I hate him. We hate him, right?”
I hear her scream across the room, “Dax, did you know Hayden used to have the name Danny? He’s texting. Gee, I wonder with whom?” She puts me on speaker and I hear his response.
Dax says, “Holy fuck. She’s Lizzie. Bette is Lizzie. Are you fucking with us?” He knows about me. “Babe, did you know Bette was Lizzie?” She’s “babe” already? Interesting.
Sophie tells him, “Yeah. You deal with him. I’ll deal with her.” She takes me off speaker.
“Ask him where the name Hayden came from.” I pause and wait.
“No go. That puts me more in the middle, ask him yourself.” Sophie yells to Dax, “I know... It’s really her... Fucked-up... It’s like a wacked-out plot twist no one will buy.”
I yell at her, “EXACTLY. But it’s real.”
Sophie laughs and says to Dax, “She just said the same fucking thing! Ha!” She comes back to me. “Bone him.”
“I most certainly will not.” But I kind of want to.
Sophie says, “He’s as messed up as you right now. Dax is on a group text with Hayden. And some dude named Tony says hi, and that you should rise to the occasion, brave knight. Whatever the fuck that means.”
Knight? Then it dawns on me. “HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Dax Ladd is Tony’s brother?”
I hear Sophie ask, “Is Tony... oh... got it.”
“Yes. Hold on.” She shuffles and I hear her repeat exactly what Dax is saying, “And he witnessed this epic love story the two of you tell, and says it was storybook perfect until you broke his heart.” Sophie’s tone shifts. “Wait.”
“Seriously, hold up,” I yell.
I hear her challenge Dax, “She didn’t break up with him. I’ve heard this story enough to know he was the dick.” They start fighting.
“SOPH!” I need to get back to the office. And now, more than fear or rage, I have an intense curiosity. How did this all happen?
“Woman, this is fucked-up and we’re smack in the middle. And I want Dax to smack my ass again. Try to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. I have no advice. No one on the planet would have advice in this situation. Do your best.”
