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“All of that was neither Lizzie nor Bette. I was quickly becoming the worst parts of them. Let’s call her Eliza.”
His voice is gruff and low as he scolds me a bit. “No more names.”
“Fine. I want to be the best parts of them. I want to be the best me and I can only do that with you. I know why you left, but you don't know why I betrayed you.”
“Because Sophie overheard me and Dax plotting my resignation and surprising you with a trip to Paris but misunderstood all of it.”
I slump a little but say, “Dax never gave you up and he forgave Sophie.” Hayden’s mouth pulls into a semi-smile and then I ruin it. “If you knew, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you reach out to me?”
As he shifts his position to face more of me, he says, “Why didn’t you just ask me about the pitch?”
“I have an answer for that. Not a good one. But an answer.”
He rolls his wrists encouraging me to speak.
“Gut instinct.”
“Your guts are dumb,” he says.
“Yes. My guts had me sitting at the Louvre steps today instead of banging down your door. They guided me to a messy college life, a useless marriage, and running in terrible, tortuous shoes. Which my gut compelled me to buy in the first place.”
He laughs a little.
His arms are crossed over his chest, but his eyes are warming a touch. “You and Soph didn’t trust us. Your lack of trust destroyed me all over again. And you don’t get the easy way out. You don’t get understanding Danny telling you it’s ok you fucked me over. I didn’t know that person who did that.”
My voice is harsher. “You did. You helped forge her. But you left and didn’t even talk to me. You wrote me off for a mistake I made.” He cocks his head. I nod repeatedly for a second. “A massive mistake, but still a misstep that could have been corrected in the moment. I may have become a self-doubting, destructive lunatic, but you did the one thing that scares me more than anything.”
“What’s that?” He clenches his fists at his sides and flicks his thumbs out of them. He has every right to be angry, I fucked up. But what he needs to realize is, he did, too.
“You ghosted me. You didn’t stand there and face me and say, ‘You’re a self-doubting, destructive lunatic.’ You abandoned me and although it was my father pulling the strings long ago, he wasn’t pulling them this time. All the bad thoughts, like I wasn’t worth anything or good enough to stick around for swamped me in a painful alone when you left. Because I did something for myself and didn’t do as I was told, therefore, I don’t deserve love.”
“That’s your father speaking in your head.”
“Absolutely, so when Sophie told me that shit, I was triggered. And yes, I’m going to need to call your therapy guy. I haven’t done a fabulous job working through all my issues on my own.”
The humid fall air is so thick. I’m sweating beneath my nightgown, but my entire body is cold. I may have gone full Bette, but he went full Danny. He turns in a tight circle and stretches. He stares at dancing patterns of light on the floor. I walk over and lift his chin and I see his anger abating with each second that he thinks through what I said.
“Look up, don’t hide, ever. An incredible man told me that once or twice.”
I’m done hiding forever. Wow, maybe I am good at fixing myself. Nah. I’m going to need some therapy.
I move my fingers from his chin but he’s still staring at me. “Bette was born in the ashes of Lizzie. But she was also all the pieces you saw in me when I didn’t. But when I evolved into her, I forgot to bring Lizzie along as well. The good and pure parts or myself. I’m so used to things not working out, people dying, leaving, or the consequences of not doing as I was told, that I doubted everything around me. I even told you once, I’ve spent my lifetime not only waiting for the other shoe to drop, but expecting to be smashed by it. I’m burning all the shoes. Starting with the heinous ones I left at our front door. I’m not waiting for the bad thing to happen because I finally deserve the good.”
“Our?”
I put my hands on my hips. “Don’t even try that. This is my house just as much as it’s yours and I don’t care who you rented it from, it’s mine. We were made here, this is where we became destino.”
“Christ, you saw my mother.” I dangle her key chain from my finger. I can’t believe they didn’t tell him I was coming. I have a chance and they believe it too.
“And that answers my next question, how did you get up here? I knew, hoped, you’d figure out a way to get to me. I just didn’t realize my family would aid and abet you.”
“Dax sent me to Lilliana.” He smiles and roll his eyes at the mention of his mother.
“That tracks.”
He puts his hands behind his head and expands his chest. I’m caught off guard for a moment when I think about licking him. But I also need him to know we’re on equal footing. “I have more to say, but you’re not going to like it.”
HAYDEN
