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“What? Why can’t I talk filthy to you? I’ve been thinking about sucking you off all day.”

I shift and put a finger up to Ethan. He freezes in place. I could get used to this kind of authority. So far, the kid doesn’t bug the fuck out of me.

“Me too. But there’s someone here you should talk to. And be kind. Call me back if you want.”

I hand Ethan the phone.

“Jillien! How’s it hanging? ...Hi, Mom. How’s your day? Busy. Cool. Me too. So busy. We can get to it all later. Have a great day. Cool. I’ll…” I hear her voice get louder, then a series of ok’s and um’s. I duck around the corner and sit at the bottom of the steps. Not because I want to eavesdrop, but because my knees went out from under me. No matter what we’ve been saying to each other, all the positioning with my mother and sister, the revealing with her father, or the amount of sex we’ve had, now it’s serious. Now, by no fault of our own—to evoke an overused phrase because words fail me right now—shit just got real. That kiss may have opened up my world, but this moment just changed it.

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JILLIEN

I don’t want to resent my son. But sitting here in my bedroom, charging my vibrator for my phone date later, I’m pissed. Liam’s in a hotel. I didn’t know what to do. I knew he was disappointed. I told him he could go home, but he insisted on staying close by. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge that Fletch and Ethan grabbed lunch together. They won’t tell me what they discussed. I bolted home as fast as I could get out of the office, but it wasn’t fast enough to stop them from spending time together. And Fletch took him for a shave at that barbershop he’s been going to, and they taught him how to shave himself. He bought him a fortune in shaving supplies. And now the kid reeks of Bay Rum, like he’s someone’s pappy about to hand you a root beer barrel.

We have only three days left together, and I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m so pissed at Christopher for sending E home. I can’t be mad at the kid, but Chris once again gets to decide how I pivot my life. I’m not ready to figure things out. I’m not prepared. I thought we’d have time.

Ethan is long asleep. I wanted to make sure he was super asleep if I’m going to try to have phone sex with a man a mile away. What happens when he’s more than that? What if this is disastrous? I mean, tonight is the dress rehearsal for a full-fledged long-distance relationship. What if this is the thing that pushes him over the edge—that I’m too much. I even dictated what time I’d call.

“Bella.” His voice is sleepy raspy. Not sexual raspy.

I whisper back, “Hi. Did I wake you?”

“Yes, but you can always wake me.” I don’t say anything as my eyes well up. I want him here, but I can’t compromise Ethan.

“Hey, you there?”

“I am.” I sit up and put a pillow on my lap. I stare at my door, and a tear falls.

“What is it?”

I blurt out in a rush, “I’m so sorry. Sorry. The hotel. And I wish I was in your arms and this is awful. And I don’t know what will happen to us, and I don’t know how to do any of this.”

“Oh, Jillien. Bella. Please don’t cry. I miss you, too. And this is awful, but it’s all worth it. I’ll see you first thing in the morning.”

“But I want to have sex with you now. I want to hold you.”

There’s a long pause and an exhale. Then he says, “I feel you. Or rather, I want to feel you. All around me.”

I sniffle.

“Bella, this is the least sexy thing, you know that, right?”

I say way too loudly, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Stop. I was teasing. Every piece of me aches for you right now. Your tears are killing me. They always have. I’d do anything to take them away. I’d kiss them away if I was there, but I’ll pick you up at seven. We’ll go to breakfast, then I’ll drop you at the office for a minute. Then we have the night, and all day after that.”

There’s so much sadness in his voice. There’s remorse. “And then what happens?”

“I don’t know,” he says.

“Ok,” I reply in the same melancholy tone.

“Bella, we should sleep. I’ll see you in four and a half hours. Good night, my most beautiful girl.”

“Good night, my Fletch.” I don’t know what else to say. What my brain wants to say will only complicate things. Things I don’t think I get to have. I hang up my phone, and for the second time in nine days, I fall asleep, unsatisfied and alone. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. He’s already a part of me and my life.

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