Page 98

X

One Off Meeting

64

Tess

I’m starting to like life on 108th street in Stone Harbor, NJ. The ocean access and community were my favorite parts of living in Venice. I miss LA, but I’m starting to not miss him all the time. Most days, I try to think of him as a beloved book boyfriend. The reality of him in my life fades every day. He chose not to share his story or his life with me. I’m going to be ok, but I’m certainly not looking to fill his place just yet.

I’ve become entrenched in the new house. I write, paint, and pry up old linoleum. And it’s all mine. Then I get to walk on the beach and be part of a secret society that knows living at the beach is the best living. The house is large enough for all of my family at once. I can’t wait to fill it with life, noise, crown molding, people, and eventually companionship.

It’s July, and the town of Stone Harbor has swelled to its capacity. I’m soaking up all their energy and funneling it into the house. I don’t have to carry this bucket of pain any longer. I can fill it with life and love.

It still hurts first thing in the morning and just as I drift off at night. Occasionally, I wake up and believe he’s next to me in bed. Those are the worst mornings. I roll over and cry. But in that split second, I remember he made me happy. That there’s someone in the world who knows my soul despite our separate lives. But those mornings are becoming less frequent.

I keep trying to date, but those men are doomed until I stop comparing. Instead, I paint, sand, and drink champagne, and it’s not even her death day. I forgot how much I like French bubbles. Joy keeps creeping into my days despite the pain. The ups and downs are good. Despite his absence, he still reminded me there’s joy to be found. Forward.

Joan’s making me leave the shore today to present her with an award at the Chicago Humanities Festival tonight.

MIKEY: I know you’re in Chi tonight. The Joan dinner.

TESS: This is way early for you. How do you know that?

MIKEY: Think about it…

TESS: Of course. She’s forcing me to be there.

MIKEY: Surprise. In Chicago tonight! Joanie said I could come. But first, we COCKTAIL!

TESS: YES!! I’m so excited. Where?

MIKEY: Like 4 at The Aviary. The Joan dinner is close by. Dress for me, and I’ll dress for you.

TESS: Deal. YEAH! I have the perfect dress. I’m so excited to see you. See you later, Nuisance.

MIKEY: Lates, Distraction.

TESS: Stop trying to be hip.

MIKEY: Whatevs.

* * *

I’m ready for a one-night stand. I’m tired of taking care of things myself. It would be nice to have someone do at least half the work.

I’ve seen Ari for tennis once and dinner once. He’s helping me with a non-fiction book. He’s done a middle school workshop with an LBGTQA slant. Mikey and I text a lot and have talked occasionally over the last three months, but he’s still Alex’s colleague. Fucker.

Joan arrives by train and stops by my room. “I hate this shit. I’ve been traveling for like six days. Why couldn’t this crap happen in New York so I could be home by ten?”

Best part of the shore is there’s no internet yet, so I have to work really hard to read his tweets or listen to this week’s podcast. I’m looking forward to a no-strings evening of sex. Time to put him out of my mind and someone else into my lady bits. He’ll be a one night because I can’t get rid of the specter that’s my love for fucking Alex. Three months and he still haunts me.

“Knock that shit off.”

“What shit?”

“I know that look. That asshole has screwed my publishing timeline enough.”

“The problem is, he’s not an asshole.”