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“I do. Dad, why didn’t you tell me those things before now?”
“You’ve never fucked up this badly before. I swore if you ever got yourself in a hole like Charlotte again, I’d say something. And, boy, you’re fucking up your life.”
“Tess.”
“Tess. If we miss her, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Work is great. Your work is incredible. You’ve made me prouder than you can imagine. But not as proud as I could be. I reiterate. You fucked up your priorities, or I did, or Charlotte did. You need to get your concerns in life straight, so if another Tess comes along, you don’t fuck that up too.”
“You don’t think I should try to get her back?”
“I don’t think you could. She’s too smart for you.” He sips his beer, and I know he’s right. But I also think he’s wrong.
“Dad, all the revelations aside, I’m different than you. My heart beats faster when I’m working. My soul’s fulfilled. It’s not just a job. It’s something more to me. Whether that was nature or nurture, who the hell knows?”
“Fair enough, fair enough.” He drops the subject, having made his point, and I’ve made mine.
“But no career, grand slam, or seventh wonder of the world can hold a candle to that woman.” He raises his beer towards my mom, who’s watching us and snapping beans. She smiles and then glares at me. My father needed to have a long conversation with me, but my mother can communicate all of that with a look. But my dad does love to talk. Like father like son.
“And what’s the biggest fear? She’ll control you with love. Is that what you’re saying? That there will be nothing left of you if you give yourself to Tess? Because, son, my lord, have you looked at yourself lately? You already have nothing.” My mother giggles a bit, but my dad’s words hit me like a cartoon 2x4 to the head. It violently rattles my brain and knocks the wind out of me.
“I have Extended,” I say quickly.
“And what is that worth? The life your mom and I have built, you kids, the grandkids, this deck…”
He really does love this deck.
He continues, “That’s all that’s ever mattered. Are there times when I think about the life we could have had? Hell yes. I’m not a moron. I know what I gave up, but then your mother laughs in the kitchen, and it echoes through the house and somehow lightens the air around me. Those are the moments where true life is built. Not with receipts and social media followers or in the brand. What you do is admirable and difficult. There aren’t many honest, intelligent people with charisma and dedication like you to pull off your job, but no offense to the brand, it’s all bullshit.”
I sit stunned. My father has never really compromised who he was, just what he did. “How did you do it? Make room in your life for her? How did you make that leap?”
“Effortlessly.” He stands and nods with his empty beer bottle. I nod back with mine. He goes into the house, and my mother is still snapping green beans over the sink. He stands behind her and kisses her neck. She giggles and turns around. They kiss, which I should find gross, but they kiss like it’s new. Every kiss I ever had with Tess felt new. I kept waiting for it to wear off, and it didn’t. Even when I knew all her little moments and movements, it felt like there’d never be enough time to explore all of her.
I’m sitting here knowing none of this is effortless. I’ve riddled it with effort, but being with her when I let my brain fall away was effortless. I’ve tried and agonized. I’ve caught a world of shit from everyone from Jerrod to Ari. I’m broken. I can’t seem to get unstuck. I’m going to need to make some drastic changes because I’m unable to shake her so far. I need to get past the sticking point and move on. I hope I never know pain again like I’ve endured since Chicago.
Dad comes back out with beers. “Your mother wants to know if you want corn as well as green beans.”
“I hate green beans.”
“She also said she knows, but you have to eat them if you want dessert.”
I yell at my mom, “You know I’m an adult, right? And I can buy my own dessert.”
She doesn’t look up from the sink. “You can’t buy cobbler.”
“Shit! Yes. Fine. I’ll have corn too.” My father smiles towards the door like she can somehow see it. My phone vibrates again. I’ve been ignoring it for the past half hour while Dad and I chat, but I can’t anymore.
I pull it out.
“Come on, Alex. Put it away.”
“Just let me check if someone needs me.”
“Who? I thought you and Tess broke up.” He raises his eyebrows.
I glare at him, but I know exactly what he means. It’s just a calendar reminder. I pull it up, and my entire body lights up. Something just clicked inside of me, and I can’t possibly be the same ever again.
XII
Open Ended Contract
