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But it won’t be the last time, I tell myself as I grab my keys. It can’t be the last time because I won’t let that happen. I will find a way to make this work, even if he doesn’t fully understand what we have yet, even if he’s still figuring out what he wants and where I fit into all of that.

As I pull the door open and step into the hallway, all I can think is that Cameron Rhodes has agreed to see me. He hasn’t told me to fuck off and disappear from his life, and that has to mean there is still a chance.

21

CAMERON

The knock on my apartment door sends my heart into my throat.

I’m beyond nervous. I feel like I’m floating outside my body, watching myself move through the space like I’m not even real. My hand reaches for the doorknob, and I have to remind myself to breathe.

I open the door.

And there’s Lucien.

Standing in front of me like I’ve conjured him from my imagination, my perfect fantasy made flesh.

He’s wearing his navy sweater, the one that makes his shoulders look vampirically broad, and his eyes look bluer.

He doesn’t wait for me to invite him in.

He walks past me, confident and sure, like he owns the space. Like he owns me.

“Nice apartment,” he says, his voice deep and smooth.

I close the door and turn to look at my space, trying to see it through his perfect eyes.

It is nice. Clean. Luxurious in a way that doesn’t feel cold. Modern furniture, but warm lighting. Everything in its place. I keep it this way: organized, controlled, a reflection of the version of myself I show the world.

But now, with Lucien standing in the middle of it, it feels different. It seems smaller, more intimate.

I turn back to him, and he’s much closer. His hands come up to my shoulders, and I’m paralyzed. I’m afraid of doing the wrong thing. I’m afraid of breaking whatever this is.

“Cameron?”

He’s only a few inches from me.

“Yeah?” I ask, faintly.

“Can I kiss you?”

He wants to kiss me. I want him to. It’s all I want. My heart is fluttering so much that I can barely speak. I look up at him, and he’s already kissing me with his eyes, which trace an adoring path across my face before landing on my lips. Fuck.

“Yeah.”

He leans down and places his lips over mine, slightly open, inviting. We stay like that for a minute, maybe longer. I don’t know. Time feels like it’s stopped.

Then his hands move to my jaw, cradling my face with a gentleness that makes my heart skip a beat.

He uses his thumb to pull my lower lip down, parting my lips. I open my mouth more, giving him permission without words. And then his warm tongue finds its way in. His tongue traces the inside of my lower lip, then flicks upward to meet mine, and the contact sends a jolt through my entire body.

His tongue moves deeper, exploring my mouth with an intensity that makes my knees weak. He’s kissing me like he’s been thinking about this too. Like he’s been waiting. Like I’m not just something he wants in this moment, but something he’s been aching for.

This is the kiss I wanted at Culloden, the kiss I dreamed about. This is it. All the years of thinking about him, all the past animosity, all the hatred that was never really hatred, channel into this kiss. The relief transforms me. I know this will be a defining moment in my life. That I’ll categorize my life events as Before the Kiss and After the Kiss.

I tentatively drape my arms around his neck, and he runs his fingers through my hair, gripping tight, holding me to him like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. I don’t know how we’re still able to breathe. I feel like my soul has melded with his.

Lucien moans and pushes his hips against mine. His hardness presses against me and something clicks in my brain. I push him away even though I want him. Part of me is still wired to resist this, to deny myself the thing I want most.