Page 21

CAMERON

I’ve been at the library for two hours, my biology textbook open in front of me, my notes spread out across the table in semi-organized chaos. I rub my eyes and lean back in my chair, stretching my arms over my head.

My phone pings on the table with a notification from the Lure app. My chest does this weird little flip as I unlock my phone. The message loads, and there’s a photo attached.

It’s a selfie of Gwen lying on her bed, her blonde hair spread out on the pillow behind her. She’s wearing a soft pink sweater, and she’s smiling at the camera.

hey you

She’s pretty. And the fact that she’s thinking about me, that she took the time to send me this, makes me feel something.

I’ve had thoughts before. Thoughts I don’t want. Thoughts about guys that creep in when I’m not paying attention, when my guard is down. At St. Silas, I preferred the company and safety of girls from St. Anne’s, as rare as it was, but I never thought about their bodies the way I think about broad shoulders and strong hands.

The feeling I get when I talk to Gwen is different. There’s an extra layer of comfort with Gwen because we are in separate spaces, so in a weird way, I can open up to her more.

I’m convinced I wouldn’t feel the warm feelings I do when I look at Gwen’s picture if I were gay. I wouldn’t feel this pull toward her. Would I? So those other thoughts don’t mean anything. They can’t.

I type back quickly, my fingers moving before I can overthink it.

hey pretty

I hit send and immediately feel a little self-conscious. Was that too much? Not enough? But then she responds almost immediately.

aw, thank you! can I see a pic of you?

My heart skips. I glance around the library, suddenly aware of how public this space is. But no one’s paying attention to me. Everyone’s buried in their own work. I turn my baseball hat around so the bill is in the back. I hold my phone up, angle it just right, and make a kissy face at the camera. It feels ridiculous, but also kind of fun. I snap the photo and look at it for a second before sending it. I resist the urge to delete it. I look…okay. Maybe a little stupid, but in a way that feels genuine. I hit send before I can overthink it.

The response comes back almost instantly.

I stare at the water squirt emoji, my smile faltering at the sexual innuendo. I’m uncomfortable in a way I can’t describe. I’m not sure what she’s expecting from me, or what I’m supposed to say back. Part of me thinks this is good. I’m closer to losing my virginity. But I don’t want to seem too eager, so I send back a heart eyes emoji.

are you in a library?

I blink at the screen, surprised by the shift in tone.

yeah, studying for biology

what are you studying?

cellular respiration. it’s a lot

I need to study too, but instead i’m just lying here listening to music and spiraling

There’s something about that last word, spiraling, that catches my attention. It’s more honest than I expected.

spiraling about what?

The three dots appear, then disappear. Then appear again. It’s almost a full minute before her response comes through.

had a fight with my dad earlier

it’s whatever. just annoying

I sit up a little straighter in my chair.

what happened?

Another long pause. I watch the dots pulse.