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“How what?”

“To kiss.”

His blue eyes do that thing where they study me, pulling out every last thing I’ve ever tried to keep hidden. I’ve had sex before; it’s a means to an end, and I get those urges from time to time, but kissing is pointless. Kissing is the waste of time holding you back from getting things over with.

But as Sasha’s mouth stays just out of reach, I’m curious.

I want to know what it feels like. Want to know what the big deal is. I’m not even horny, but the weird things going on in my gut make me feel like I should be. Like, if I’m this deregulated, it can only be leading to one place. Right?

“Let me show you, then.”

Sasha’s eyes fall closed, and finally, I get what I want. His mouth presses to mine, his lips soft as a flower petal, and that’s when everything goes wrong. Like all these tiny explosions going off in my head and chest and gut, it catches me so far off guard that I jerk away from him. I’m panting, and I have no idea when I started panting, but even with how freaked-out the reaction has made me, my lips are burning for more.

“S-sorry,” Sasha says.

But it’s too late now.

I need more.

I’m not sure if he even sees me move, but my mouth finds his as I push him back onto my bed. Sasha’s hands dive into my hair again, and just like when I was sucking his dick, the move is too intimate, but it’s not enough to make me stop. I don’t think anything is that powerful.

Sasha’s lips part under mine, and I follow the movement, my tongue immediately meeting his. The high that overtakes my entire body is making me feel alive. The more we kiss, the more I learn the rhythm of it and work out what feels good. I’m lost in it, sunk into the darkness behind my closed eyes and the ripples of want we’re passing between us, until my jaw aches at the sides.

I have no idea how long we’re kissing, but we don’t stop. I fucking can’t.

He tastes like my cum and kisses me with so much confidence, he’s making me feel weak.

He gets hard before I do, and he rubs his dick against my hip until he comes again. When it’s my turn, he lifts up my hoodie and jerks me until I flood his stomach.

We keep kissing.

I don’t have it in me to stop.

It’s dark when I open my eyes again, and it takes way too long of blinking into my room to place what’s different. Sasha’s in my bed. And my arms are around him.

He’s snuggled up to my chest in a way that makes me want to keep him there, and it’s that instinct, more than anything, that forces me to let go. He’s not one of his stuffed animals, and I’m not some mindless creature that can’t control himself.

I’m careful as I pull myself out of bed and walk outside. It’s nighttime, but not too late, and judging by the height of the moon, Bob will be out hunting. I should probably organize something to eat, but I’d risk waking Sasha, and I can’t face him right now.

He’ll want to talk.

I think talking might break me.

I’m worried about how easy it was for me to give in to him. All it took was a flicker of uncertainty, and I needed to make everything better. I’ve never had a pull like this toward someone before, and if I don’t get it under control …

My thoughts stall.

If I don’t get it under control … what?

Frustrated, I drag my hands back through my hair, trying to work out exactly what the consequences of that would be. I don’t like the moments of distraction when I’m with him. I don’t like leaving us vulnerable. But if I’m going to do it anyway, wouldn’t it be smarter to plan ahead like I always have? At the moment, I’m falling into things with him and forgetting the outside world in a way that makes me uncomfortable. If I preplanned things, I could make sure that it was safe to disappear from the world for a while. To stop scanning and listening and being on high alert all the time.

I glance back over my shoulder at the shadowy lump under my sheets. My mouth is dry. The need to walk back over there and curl up beside him is strong. I’ve been fighting it since he moved in.

What if I just stopped?

Fucking is built into animals’ DNA, and I’m no exception to that. I’ve just been completely caught off guard by how insistent that need has become. It’s not only the sex though, and that’s the part that worries me. Lately, I’ve been craving more than that from him, and it doesn’t feel right until he’s close by. I should have thrown him out. I could still throw him out.

I already know that isn’t going to happen though.