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God isn’t taking care of me. I need to take care of myself. And I’m not sure how he can fix me. He can’t magically take away the white in my pupils or make my hair a different pigment.

All I can do is wear this belt willingly, show my devotion and stop myself from indulging in this cardinal sin. I pull it on, and Mama walks over with the key and locks it in place. The lock rubs at the apex of my thigh. After tears and screaming, she finally let me take it off the past few nights. But only while I’m at home and only under her supervision. But it’s enough since my blisters have finally scarred and healed.

Her eyebrows furrow, deepening the lines on her face, and she grabs my chin. “I will not raise a sinful daughter, do you understand?”

I drag my trousers on, and I flip my hands through my hair. “I got a job, Mama. It’s not sinful to work. It’s what normal people my age do.”

I slip my cross around my neck and make my bed on the springy mattress on the floor. She puckers her lips. “You remember what I tell you, girl. You stay away from boys, do you understand? I’ll not have a slut daughter. I did not raise a sinful whore.”

“Mama. Stop saying that.”

I imagine Tommy and Remy watching this, and the sheer horror if they knew what my life was really like. Would they like me so much then?

I lower my gaze. “I won’t go near any boys, Mama, I promise.” I hesitate before I ask, “Can you…can you please take it off? I don’t want it to get infected, and it…it hurts when I walk. Just while I’m working, Mama, please? The chafing is terrible.”

She shakes her head. “No. You need it more than ever. The temptation has never been stronger.”

Tears spill out of my eyes. “Mama, please. I’m begging you.”

Her face turns crimson. “You’re a vile, evil little child,” she says slowly. “You want to ruin me more than you already have. You want to bring me shame, Diana.”

“Mama, I won’t bring you shame.”

“You already have,” she spits. I see it in her eyes. Once she’s like this, her anger’s an unstoppable force she drowns in. “Evil resides within you, Diana. I cannot let you spawn a child. I will not be held accountable for letting more evil into the world. If you get pregnant, I will cut that baby out of you, do you hear me?”

“Mama,” I scream, and this startles her. I lower my voice. “I don’t want to bring you shame. I’m in pain.” She’s gone insane. Utterly insane. I occasionally wonder if she might kill me herself to rid the world of me.

She recovers and walks up to me, pressing the back of her hand on my cheek. “You have a darkness inside you, my sweet girl. I’ve seen it. It’s a possession you can’t control. It’s insidious.”

I don’t sense any evil lurking—just hunger. She’s the evil one.

“Mama, you can’t keep me like this forever. I’ll be an adult soon. What you’re doing will get you put in jail.”

She slaps me…hard across the face, and I cower, holding my cheek. I let out a sob as the pain radiates across my face.

My face stings, and I stand frozen, waiting for her to do it again. Instead, she clutches her cross and drops to her knees, begging for mercy on the floor in front of my feet.

Mama never hits me…only once, and I deserved it. I stole from the local store and got caught. She wasn’t mad that I stole because she ate the food shamelessly; she was mad I got caught.

Thou shalt not steal.

But what if you’re hungry? She sent me back the week after to get more, and because I am pious, I will always honor my mother’s wishes.

I’m obedient, and honor my mother, but naturally, I get no credit for that.

Mama is a walking contradiction, only taking the pieces of the Bible that suit her.

She closes her eyes and starts to mumble—incomprehensible, whispered jumble. She could stay like this for hours if I let her.

“Okay…Mama,” I whisper, running my hand through her hair as if she’s worshiping me. “I’m sorry.”

Something snaps her back, and her eyes widen when she sees me standing above her, holding my cheek.

Her eyes soften, and she rises, lifting her arms. “Diana… Oh, my beautiful Diana. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you.”

She flails to the floor, falling to my feet and crying. I’m still shaking as I stare at her, broken, lonely, and damned.

I press through her hair as she starts to sob into my belly. “It’s okay, Mama. I know you didn’t mean it. I deserved it.”