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The woman who loves me regardless.

It’s everything worth coming home to.

Noa wakes up at six forty-three in the morning, sitting upright and yelling, “It’s Christmas,” at a deafening volume, waking Valli and Cipher. But I was already awake, and have been since before five a.m. I wasn’t ready to venture out and see everyone yesterday, as I wanted to enjoy time with my people alone. Today is going to be a lot, and if I am being honest with myself, no longer having my cornfield and seeing what it looks like now is not something I am looking forward to doing today. But I know I have to accept it for what it is because I caused the damage.

Being inside the facility this time was somewhat helpful, though I will never admit it. Seth is good at his job and helped me in ways he will never know. He didn’t fix my demons; they are still there and I think they always will be. The Scarecrow will forever be a part of me, but I have to learn to be me again, and I want that. Being away from the island made me realize how much I have come to like this place, even Vero. Or perhaps I hate him a little less, but that will need to be evaluated when I see him.

Valli grumbles into my shoulder about it being too early and that Noa needs to go back to sleep, but he’s already out of bed and pulling on a pair of pants, so there is no holding him back. He produces a bag with the biggest smile on his face as he holds it up.

Cipher sits up with a sigh, accepting his fate that Noa is too excited and no one is getting any more sleep. He is like this every year, but it’s our first year experiencing this side of him so early. Eventually, Valli rolls over to look at what Noa is rambling on about.

Noa shares that his family has a tradition at home where everyone wears ugly Christmas sweaters, and his mom wanted to do the same this year since she has all of her children together, so he took the initiative to get us all one.

He holds up a red sweater first, one with small dancing figures on it, and Valli takes it without complaint. Cipher’s is green, and he looks at it for a moment and thanks Noa.

Next, Noa pulls out his own, and it is the worst sweater I have ever seen. It’s obnoxious and covered in blinking lights, which he tells us are battery-operated as he pulls it on.

Then he holds out the last one to me while seeming nervous. I don’t blame him—before I would have never worn one of these, ever. But after being without my people for the last few weeks, it’s made me realize I would do anything for them, even if it means wearing an ugly sweater. It’s black at least and not so garish. Across the front is a slightly lopsided scarecrow, arms out wide, and he even has a hat.

I take the sweater from his outstretched hand and pull it over my head. Everyone stares at me as I stand, completely naked from the waist down, in a knitted sweater.

I’ve not worn anything besides my scarecrow outfit for longer than I can put into words, as it was what kept me safe.

“I . . .” Noa mumbles. “You look . . .”

“He looks incredible. The top half, anyway. The bottom half I would not recommend while attending family breakfast,” Cipher adds drolly.

Noa breaks out into laughter and throws a black pair of sweats at me, which I catch and pull on.

“Good,” I say.

“You have no idea how happy I am right now. I could almost start singing Christmas carols.”

“God, no,” Valli grumbles. “There has not been enough caffeine for that yet.”

Once we are all dressed and have coffee in our travel mugs, we head toward the circus tent. It has been converted into the communal space for Christmas, the same as every year; it’s the only area big enough to hold all the staff and family members here on the island. Though some staff go home to visit family, many stay behind.

The tent smells so good, and it’s nice not to have to look at oatmeal again. It’s like wet disappointment in a bowl, after someone has already chewed it.

I recognize Noa’s and Cipher’s families from the photos. Kelly is at the largest table with Christopher and Cindy, Lach is on his phone, while Ellis and Mack are serving themselves food. The twins are chatting excitedly with Leni, and Khodi stands super close to her . . . I wonder what that’s about?

The Jester spots me from across the room first and makes his way over, a smile spread across his face. The closer I get, the more I can see how ridiculous his sweater is. It’s an entire nativity scene with lots of sequins and bells. The wise men look to be chasing sheep, and a reindeer is in the manger. He bounces toward me, jingling the entire way.

“Good to see you’re finally home. I could have had you back sooner, but I wasn’t allowed to admit myself.”

I nod in thanks. Noa filled me in on their backup plan, but thankfully Valli and Cipher have more sense because it never would have worked. He would have gotten himself doped up and would’ve never been allowed anywhere near me.

Noa interrupts us, then leads me over to the table where his mom is sitting. She is a tiny, curvaceous woman with the same smile as her son. “I’m Kelly,” she says. “I’ve heard a lot about you. Most of it from Noa, which means it was probably accurate, then extremely embellished.” She doesn’t wait for me to respond, and I’m sure Noa has told her I don’t talk, and if I do, it’s reserved for those I care to talk to. “I’m glad you’re home. I know my son has missed you a lot.”

I nod this time, as Seth instructed that it’s polite to acknowledge people and that I should try to do it more. He assured me that with practice and repetition, it would feel more natural and not forced.

I sit beside Valli, and Noa bounces into the seat on my other side, while Cipher is across from me. Cindy is watching me, and she signs something when she catches my attention.

“You carry a lot quietly.”

The tent is noisy around us. Noa is telling Lach something, and Valli is talking to Kelly, so I sign back.

“I know. Your son is the same.”