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“Are you okay?” John’s eyes widen in shock and concern.

“Sorry, I’m just clumsy. Lead the way?” There is shame and embarrassment that heats my cheeks, but I force it down.

I want to spend time with John. I want to allow another person into my life.

It’s been six months since the last accident, maybe I’m in the clear…

But even as the thought circulates, I know it’s not the truth.

It’s never a matter of if something will happen, like before, but when.

15

Looking Like a Whole Snack

Cinnamon

The sidewalk is uneven as we make our way down the path that leads to the only grassy areas on our side of town.

But Beanie doesn’t seem to mind, trotting away in front of us, leading the charge.

“How long have you lived in these apartments?” John breaks the tense silence between us.

“I—” I stutter over my words as my shoe stubs on an uneven crack.

John catches me around the shoulders before I can begin my downward adventure and then forcefully moves me further from the street, standing as a blockade between me and danger.

“I’ve been in them about eight months now,” I manage to say, swallowing around the embarrassment thickening my tongue. “How long have you?”

“Five years.”

The answer is shocking. For a multitude of reasons. Because they’re awful. Because I had never seen him before. Because he was a detective.

Shouldn’t he make enough to live somewhere nicer?

“Why?” The question slips out before I can catch it.

We’ve made it to the only park nearby. John doesn’t answer at first, guiding us to an enclosed and empty dog park and allowing Beanie off leash to run freely.

He takes my hand, leading me further inside, and I am acutely aware how late and dark it is getting.

But before I can think too much about it, he drops to a bench, tugging me with him.

“Why do I live there?” He repeats my question, shifting, his knees turning to me, brushing mine. His eyes are intense and thoughtful behind his glasses.

I gulp, my heart pattering in my chest as I suddenly forget how to breathe. A detective is the last person I should have any interest in. All it would take is one magnifying glass to my past to find a whole lot of…

I shake my head, offering him a smile. His attention flicks south before returning to my eyes. He cocks his head. “I only want to use the money I earn. I have a lot of…debt from my past that I am still attempting to repay. And that apartment isn’t so bad.”

His gaze skips from me but not before I see a deep sadness in the depths of his tumultuous eyes.

My belly flips. “I understand that, I could use my family’s money. But I decided I wanted to only spend what I earned myself, too. I feel like I have made so many mistakes in life, and in some ways it’s my penance.”

He whips his gaze back to me, surprise flashing across his face. His lips parting as his glasses slip to the tip of his nose.

An inexplicable urge to push them up cycles through me, but I hold it at bay.

I feel a kindred energy with John. An attraction I can’t deny. But I won’t explore it, I can’t.