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‘What? What do you mean?’
Jacob’s bafflement lent her much-needed strength. Was he really going to pretend he didn’t know what she was talking about? His declaration was everything she’d ever wanted to hear, but unless it was the absolute truth it would still mean nothing at all. Pretty phrases were useless without being rooted in fact, and the facts she remembered had caused pain she didn’t want to risk again.
‘Five years ago, when we were going to run away together—I went to meet you but you weren’t there.’
She saw his face contort but rushed on before he could interrupt. ‘If you want to speak of love, let’s be honest: my feelings were never in doubt. It was you who decided to break our agreement, not me.’
Jacob stared at her as though she’d addressed him in a language he didn’t understand. ‘No. I went to the woods. You never came.’
‘Yes, I did!’ She bridled at the accusation. ‘It was never my intention to stay away. If you had waited more than the blink of an eye, you would have seen that for yourself.’
Her heart bounded against her ribs, almost deafening her with its thumping as Jacob repeated part of her reply.
‘Not your intention to stay away?’ It sounded as if he could barely speak. ‘That wasn’t the impression I got. For nearly an hour I stood there, checking my pocket watch every other second, and when you didn’t appear…’ The unhappiness of the memory he was currently reliving was palpable. ‘I’d never known you be late before. I waited and waited, and when I finally assumed you weren’t coming I dragged myself back to Wellbourne House, feeling as if I didn’t want to live any longer, not even wanting the trees around me to see the depths of my grief.’
He looked away from her, back through the door to where the autumn sunshine was splashed across the cottage’s yard. He was probably hiding his face on purpose, but even if they had been nose to nose Meg didn’t know what she would have said, his version of events so unfamiliar she didn’t even recognise her own ordeal.
‘It wasn’t an hour. It couldn’t have been.’
‘It was. I counted every single minute.’
Some people were easy to catch in a lie; any untruth rolled uncomfortably off their tongue, drawing attention to it at once, and she already knew Jacob was no dissembler. There was no trace of deceit in his words or his manner, and certainly none in his voice when he confessed what she could tell was a secret he’d never intended to share.
‘I thought you’d changed your mind. I thought you didn’t want to marry me after all.’
He sounded so bleak that Meg’s regret could have choked every last breath from her body. ‘No, Jacob. I hadn’t changed my mind.’
‘Then where were you? What took you so long to come, if indeed you ever really did?’
‘I was gathering my courage. I was trying to get up the nerve to go to you, all the while fearing…’
‘Fearing…?’
‘That it would all go wrong.’
The look he turned on her was so piercing it could almost have drawn blood. It raked over her, demanding she explain, leaving her no choice but to lay out the truth.
‘I was a farmer’s daughter,’ she said hoarsely, almost against her will. ‘I’d been nowhere, knew nothing of your world, and I was frightened I wouldn’t measure up—just as your father predicted. I was scared I’d struggle and you wouldn’t know how to help me, and that in time you might even come to resent me for not being enough… But I was always going to meet you. I wouldn’t have turned away without telling you why. I just needed a little time to make myself brave, but I see now that fear made me walk far slower than you deserved.’
It felt as if the confession had been dredged from the very bottom of her soul. It was to voice her deepest insecurities, and only her desire to smooth some of the hurt from Jacob’s face made her reveal them, her long-buried shame suddenly irrelevant when brought up against his pain.
‘You thought you weren’t enough? You believed you weren’t enough for me?’
Meg flinched to hear her own words echoed back at her, but Jacob’s questioning amazement gave them an entirely different inflection. ‘That just isn’t true. It wasn’t then, and it most certainly isn’t now. How could it be? How can that ever have been what you imagined?’
He stared at her incredulously, as if she had any hope of providing an answer, but of course she had none. He made it sound as if he’d never heard anything more mystifying, and when she could only gaze mutely back he slowly shook his head.
‘You of all people have no cause to ever doubt yourself. Who else is as kind as you? As beautiful? As filled with headstrong courage that pushes you to do what would make others balk? When we were younger, I wanted to spend every hour of every day with you, and now we’re both grown I still feel the same. You were a wonder to me before and the passing years have only made me appreciate you more. Any man would be fortunate to have you as his wife, and I’m thankful every day that the honour is mine and no one else’s.’
Meg reached out to steady herself against the shelf beside her. A few apples rolled away, thumping onto the floor, but she barely noticed.
‘Do you mean that?’
‘Yes.’ Jacob’s nod was grave. ‘Every syllable is the truth of how I feel, of how I’ve always felt. Do you mean that you never intended to jilt me?’
‘Never.’ The denial burst from her as fast and forceful as a ball fired from a pistol. ‘I was afraid of what it might lead to, but I wanted to marry you all the same. I was worried you weren’t prepared for what might lie ahead of us, that you wouldn’t be able to help me up if my new position as your wife caused me to stumble, but… I see now I was wrong.’
It was fortunate Pa had built the shed’s shelves from such sturdy wood. The one she was currently clutching at seemed to be the only thing keeping her on her feet, the power of Jacob’s words making her falter.
