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“It is a big deal. It’s a big fucking deal, and I’m not done yet. You’re not just talented, you’re incredibly caring. Look at how you took care of your dad. You gave up everything, made sacrifices others wouldn’t even consider, and nursed him to his last day. He knew you were there with him, Pen. He could rely on you, and not many people have that.”
“I didn’t do anything special. He was my dad. He was all I had, and I was all he had.”
“That brings me onto my next point. You’re resilient. Life has knocked you down, over and over, and you’re still standing. You’re strong, but you still allow your heart to be open.”
“I’m not. I’m awkward, and difficult, and I don’t know how to react in social situations.”
He offers me a smile. “Just another few of the things I love about you.”
His words punch me in the chest.
“You don’t love me, Blake. This isn’t how you treat someone you love.”
“I love my son, too. I was in a difficult position.”
Every word is draining the energy from me. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
“What do I have to do to get you to forgive me?” he asks.
“I’m sorry, Blake. I don’t think I can.” I hesitate and add, “Actually, I’m not sorry. Why should I be sorry?”
“You’re right. You shouldn’t. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“I let my defenses down with you. Do you know how hard it is for me to do that with someone? To trust them? And then you blew it up in my face. You showed me I was right to keep those defenses sky high because ultimately people always let you down.”
“Fuck, I really am sorry, Pen.”
I swallow against a hard lump in my throat. My eyes mist with tears.
How can I ever forgive him for this? No matter how much he apologizes and compliments me, it’s all just bullshit. He can never take back what he did, and I’m not the kind of person who can forget. Once someone has betrayed me, it’s like I see them as someone else.
“Please, just leave me alone, Blake.”
“Okay, but not for too long. It’s not good to be alone in this place.”
“Don’t worry, I have your sons.”
I say the words to hurt him, and, by the way he twitches, I can tell that I have.
Why don’t I blame Dov in the same way I blame Blake? He’s the one who actually killed Tobias. But I believe Dov acted with good intentions. He was trying to protect me. Maybe he did protect me. Who knows what Tobias would have done once my back was turned? I never wanted Tobias to die. I wish I’d been straight with him and told him I wasn’t interested anymore. He might have been an asshole, but he didn’t deserve to meet the end he had.
Levi was also in on the big secret, but again, I don’t blame him the same way. It’s because I never fully trusted Levi. He made no secret about what he wanted from me. He never made out he cared about my wellbeing in any way. Sure, he let his mask slip a couple of times and it had felt like he gave a shit about me, but he never pretended to be something he wasn’t.
Blake made me believe he cared… maybe even more than cared. That he could have loved me one day, as someone other than his best friend’s daughter.
That’s the part that hurts the worst.
10
BLAKE
It takes all my control not to touch her.
It’s physically painful for me to be so close to her and her not want me. This is of my own doing, I know that, but it still hurts.
I could take her anyway. There’s nowhere she can go now. She’s trapped here with us, and I’m far stronger than she is. If I decided to bend her over the kitchen table and fuck her, there would be nothing she could do about it.
Would she try to run again? Perhaps run off into the mountains, preferring a death from hypothermia to being with me?
