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I took it so far that I felt bad afterward, like I’d crossed a line even beyond the degradation play she begged for.

I found myself apologizing to her. I’d said some pretty messed up shit in the heat of the moment.

She didn’t miss a beat, her soulful eyes pulling me in deep as she said, “If you want to do it, I want you to do it to me.

“Are you absolutely sure about that?” I asked her gently.

She smiled a siren’s smile. “You can make it up to me by fucking me like you hate me again.”

She was still on her knees in front of me. I pushed my thumb in her mouth, making her suck it, and said, “You know you’re my perfect dream girl, right? Best I’ve ever had.”

She just nodded, my thumb still in her mouth, her eyes shining up at me with rapt devotion.

My perfect fucking dream girl.

What on earth was I going to do with her?

NOVA

I should have slept like the dead after Carter was done with me for the night, but I didn’t.

He was spooning me from behind. He had me cradled in his big arms even in sleep. That usually calmed me past all my usual worries, but that night even his comforting, affectionate embrace didn’t work.

I just lay there against him in the dark, eyes aimed straight ahead, and processed everything I’d learned that night.

All of Carter’s friends were nice, and I’d enjoyed meeting them, but some of the things they were saying about him, the little tidbits that came out throughout the night, were almost too much for me to take.

Them calling him a fuckboy, but moreover, the idea that he might be one, that what we shared he’d shared indiscriminately and would continue to do so, disturbed me greatly.

Worse than that, it hurt me, a deep, throbbing ache in my chest.

Also, the way he’d acted when they brought up him being a father, like he was nowhere near ready for it.

What had he said? In ten to fifteen years he’d consider it. That was troubling. I hadn’t known he saw it that way, as something for the distant future, nowhere close to where he was now.

He’d also said he was single, that he wasn’t ready to settle down, and he’d said it with such conviction. That worried me most of all.

It had been a silly, desperate dream of mine, but some part me had been hoping he’d want to settle down with me. That we’d already been headed in that direction.

It was a deeper wound than I’d ever admit out loud and as the night wore on I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop agonizing over the small death of my dream, of the idea that I could have Carter, that he could be mine for good, that he could even want that with someone like me.

Tears were running down my cheeks and onto the arm he had cushioned under my cheek, but it didn’t disturb his sleep, thank God.

I’d never tell him, never burden him with the notion that I’d wanted more from him than I deserved. He’d been nothing but good to me, given me everything I could’ve asked for and more.

Some part of me knew, had always known, that I could take advantage of that, that he’d do anything for me, if not out of love then obligation.

But I couldn’t do that, couldn’t anchor him to me out of duty, out of pity, even if in my darkest moments I’d entertained the idea rather earnestly.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

CARTER

“Anything you want to do today?” I asked her the next morning over breakfast. It was a Saturday, and she was almost caught up in most of her classes. Maybe we’d watch a movie or something when I wasn’t actively rutting inside of her.

“I’d like to go swimming,” said Nova.

“Okay,” I agreed. That one was easy. I had a pool, and I’d seen to buying her several bikinis when I’d done all my online shopping for her. I’d been looking forward to seeing her in them ever since.