Page 233
“You came here because I wouldn’t let you control a confrontation between your father and me.”
“I came here because you silenced me.”
“I told you to stay out of my fight.”
“You don’t see a difference.”
“There isn’t one tonight.”
Charm presses her lips together. Tears spill over them anyway. “You walked away from my room.”
“You told me to go fuck myself.”
“I didn’t think you would actually leave.”
A disbelieving laugh leaves me. “That sentence is our entire fucking relationship.”
Her face drains.
“You say something cruel because you’re scared, expect me to hear what you meant instead, and then act shocked when I believe the words you chose. I came to you. I gave you the chance to walk beside me and tell me anything you wanted. You wanted me to prove I would stay after you pushed me again.”
“I was angry.”
“So was I, but I still came.”
Charm looks away.
“Look at me.”
Her gaze returns to mine.
“I do not want that trapdoor open in here tonight,” I tell her. “I don’t want to leave you, and I don’t want to watch you leave me. I wanted one night where I could love you without explaining why loving you still scares the shit out of me.”
Her breath catches. “You cannot tell me you love me and expect me not to hope.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you saying it?”
“Because it is true.” I hold her stare while every defense I have relied upon since Milwaukee strains around me. “I am still so fucking in love with you that I wish I could hate you for it.”
Charm stops breathing.
“I wish I could find the place inside me that looks at you and feels nothing. I have fucking searched for it.” My voice cracks, but I force every word through. “I am hurt, Charm. I am so fucking hurt that sometimes I cannot breathe around it. I have spent fifteen months fighting to keep you out of my life because I do not know how to survive you being in it and destroying me again.”
“I won’t.”
“You do not know that.”
“I know what I did.”
“That is not the same as knowing what you will do when choosing me costs you something again.”
Her fingers close around my wrist. “Then let me prove it.”
“What if I let you back in and we build a life, Lance finds another way to come after me, and you decide loving me is a burden? What if I hand you everything twice and spend the rest of my life hating myself because I knew exactly what you could do with it?”
“I can’t promise I’ll never be afraid.”
