Page 21
“Ryan has never been fine with anything that hurt him.”
“He said he’d be polite.”
“That sounds more accurate.”
“He isn’t angry anymore.”
“I know.”
Bliss looked at me. “How?”
“Because angry Ryan doesn’t promise politeness. He promises to behave in language that makes everyone significantly more nervous.”
Aura laughed. “She has a point.”
“I’m not worried he’ll create a scene,” I continued. “Ryan would set himself on fire before ruining your wedding.”
“That isn’t the part worrying me.”
“What part is?”
“You.”
I leaned back in the chair. “That was direct.”
“I’ve spent a year trying to respect the fact that you don’t need me constantly checking whether you can handle things.”
“And?”
“I’m failing today.”
“You’re doing beautifully.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Charm.”
“I can handle seeing Ryan.”
“That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.”
“I know it’ll hurt.”
Ryan had lived inside my thoughts since he fucked me on the counter of that cabin and demanded I say goodbye. I heard his voice whenever I read poetry, remembered his hands when desire had me touching myself in bed at night, and looked for him in every Devils game against Milwaukee. I knew the exact second television cameras found him on the Inferno bench because my body reacted before the announcers said his name.
Seeing Ryan through a screen hurt. Standing close enough to smell him would be worse, but I no longer mistook pain for danger.
“I loved him,” I said. “I still love him. Seeing him will do whatever it does, and I’ll continue with the day. Aura and I have talked at length about my anxiety over the wedding. I’m prepared, and I’m not handling it alone.”
Aura studied my face before nodding. “What if he’s an asshole?”
“He will be. That’s his natural state.”
She laughed and rolled her eyes. “I mean about the two of you.”
“Then I’ll decide whether he deserves a response.”
Bliss blinked. “You won’t panic?”
“I’m not promising my nervous system will remain perfectly calm. Recovery didn’t turn me into furniture.” I uncrossed my legs and leaned forward, resting my forearms against my thighs. “If my heart races, I’ll breathe. If I need five minutes, I’ll take them. If Ryan says something cruel, I’ll tell him to go fuck himself and continue helping with the wedding.”
