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Just then there was a knock on the door, and a young servant entered with a bow. “Apologies, my lord, but Anna is needed on an urgent matter for the house.”
Clemens Fabius lifted his hands from my skin. “What? I understood I was to have the full hour.”
“I’m sorry, my lord, but it’s quite urgent.”
“This is an outrage. I’m a paying guest.”
“I must insist,” the young man said with another apologetic bow.
Clemens Fabius recovered his composure. He cleared his throat. “No matter. Anna, look, your tunic has gotten bunched up. How did that happen? Let’s straighten that out.”
My mind felt oddly disconnected from my limbs. As though watching from a distance, I was aware that I was pulling the tunic’s fabric back where it belonged.
“My dear,” he said, “be sure to speak with your matron. I look forward to continuing our time together soon.”
I curtsied to him on trembling legs and followed the servant into the hall.
“You are to go back to the dormitory,” he said.
“What’s the urgent matter?” I asked, trying to keep my voice calm. My thoughts raced. I could still feel the pressure of Clemens Fabius’s hands on the back of my thighs. I never wanted to feel that kind of violence again.
He shrugged. “There isn’t one. We intervene when the bidders get impatient. You’re to go back upstairs.”
I stared at him numbly.
WHEN I GOT back to the dormitory, it was quiet. I couldn’t steady my hands, and I fumbled with the candle in the dim room. I remembered the greedy look on Clemens Fabius’s face as he surveyed my naked body. I had never experienced such anger or shame. I wanted to sink into a hot bath and wash away the sensation of his eyes on me, but I didn’t have the heart to do anything but climb into bed. I pulled the blankets over me, shivering. Was that what we had been trained for, to absorb such violence?
I missed Kyra so intensely that it felt like a chasm in my heart. I vowed that the next day I would sit outside the infirmary door until someone opened it. I felt under my pillow for my Goddess figure. It fit into the palm of my hand, its smooth surface carved with a solemn face and voluptuous torso: a miniature version of both the statue in Flavia’s laundry and the basalt effigy standing near the training school. I rarely prayed to the Goddess, but I was so distressed that I gripped the figurine and imagined she could hear me. Great Goddess of the mountains, please, please, do not keep me confined to this life. Help me learn who I am. Give me the chance to see the world.
vii
I SLEPT RESTLESSLY, DRIFTING BETWEEN SLEEP AND recollections of an angry face and groping hands. In the morning, a rare rainy day in midsummer, we apprentices ate breakfast by the light of torches. Heavy clouds hid the mountaintops, and a steady patter hit the windows.
This was the day that all the bids would come in, and all the things we had worried and wondered about would finally come to pass. I joined in the applause when Vesta told us that she had received the season’s first offer from the gem merchant, but when she thought no one was looking, I saw her smile fade.
Before the meal had ended, I, too, was summoned to the matron’s receiving room. I pinned up my hair and wandered slowly down the big stone staircase. My feet felt heavy. It was as though time had run out, and I was walking toward the gallows. When I reached the arched entry to the matron’s chamber, the door was open a crack. I could hear voices inside. I hesitated before tugging the bellpull.
The matron said, “I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing with Clemens Fabius. Surely you don’t want the girl. She is young and not yet trained in the things that interest you.”
There was an inaudible response. It was the Archidux’s gravelly voice, but I could not make out what he was saying. I crept closer to listen.
“Regardless, he is convinced that you’re competing for her,” the matron continued. “I have known you for more than a decade, though, and I know you’re not bidding for a tira. I don’t know what the disagreement is between the two of you, but you have nearly killed him once this season already. Put it aside until you leave this house.”
“The paranoid fool is bidding against himself,” Sebastianus said. “I’m not interested, as you say.”
“I wish I could convince him of that.”
“What does it matter? If it pushes the price up, it’s good for her. Better for you.”
“I would prefer that he remain content. Angry men hurt the girls.”
I pressed my cheek against the cold stone wall and strained to hear more.
“That reminds me of something.” The Archidux’s voice was barely audible. “Don mentioned a matter that I wanted to pass along to you.”
I could hear neither the next thing he said nor how the matron responded.
He said, a little louder, “Marta, if it’s being used here, that poor girl won’t be the last.”