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My stomach clenched, and it was like a door closed inside me. No, it slammed. With part of me caught in it, a sharp, sudden pain.

What had I been thinking? I couldn’t do this. I’d already slipped up and told him too much about me, to the point where he thought he knew what was better for me more than I did myself. This wasn’t safe. If this kept going, he’d expect to know more and more, and I’d seen the pain in Freya’s eyes when she talked about how he dumped her. I’d felt the pain of being dumped when Connor had left.

And in this case it would be even worse, because I wouldn’t just lose Seth. I’d lose the whole community.

I couldn’t give him my key. I couldn’t let him have access to all the soft, sensitive parts of me that he could hurt.

I wrenched myself away, pulling my hand out of his hair so quickly that a finger caught a curl and he winced. “This was a mistake,” I said loudly, as if I could drown out the thumping of my heart.

I looked away so that I wouldn’t have to see the hurt flash in his eyes. It didn’t help; I could hear it in his voice. “What do you mean?”

Better to hurt now than later. “I mean that this kiss was a mistake,” I said harshly, though dialed the volume down so that I wouldn’t wake Bev or Benjamin. “We were drunk, and it’s late, and—”

“I’m not drunk,” Seth said. “And I don’t think you are, either.”

I pushed away the excuse. “I’m saying that this is a business arrangement and we should keep it that way. There’s no point complicating things.” My heart squeezed hard in my chest, but I pushed that away, too. It had no idea what it was doing.

He was quiet for a long moment. I took advantage of it to pull back farther from Seth, pressing my back against the cold safety of the wall. Finally, he said, “If that’s how you really feel.”

My heart squeezed again. What had it expected? For him to put up a fuss or a grand protest or declare his great love for me? Of course not. This was all for the best. Definitely the best. “It is.”

“Okay.” He slowly rolled over to his other side, which brought him back to the edge of the bed, facing away from me.

It took me a very long time to fall asleep.

19

I woke up flushed and sweaty, all tangled in the blanket with my forehead cool against the wall, throbbing between my legs from a dream-slash-nightmare that had started with Seth’s head between them and ended with him trying to eat me. Literally, with big gnashing teeth and everything. There was probably meaning there, but if I thought too hard about it, I’d never make it out of bed.

Seth already had, I noticed as I rolled over. I wondered when I’d tangled myself in the blanket. Had he let me steal the whole thing and gone cold himself? Or had I wrapped myself in it after he’d gotten up, surrounding myself in his smell?

I didn’t know how I’d be able to face him today. I really didn’t.

So I stalled while getting ready, brushing my teeth for a full two minutes and then a minute more for good measure, shaving my legs in the shower even though they’d be covered up by my weather-appropriate clothing, making the bed neatly. Which was all for naught when I made it out into the main apartment to find it totally empty. Panic fluttered in my chest for a moment. Maybe they’d all abandoned me. Maybe Seth was out telling them the truth this very second because he couldn’t bear the thought of spending one more night with me after The Kiss, and they’d come home stony-faced and annoyed, ready to kick me out. Should I pack my bag? Should I—

A note fluttered on the kitchen table, held down by a granola bar.

Went for a walk. Be back soon. —Seth

He wouldn’t put a heart there if he was off telling his parents the truth, right?

I sat down and tried to calm myself. Coffee did not help.

Though it did help me become less jittery to the point where, when they finally did open the door and enter the apartment, I was able to fake what I thought was a pretty decent smile. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Seth said with an easy smile, touching me gently on the shoulder as he walked by. It was enough to almost make me think I’d imagined everything that went down last night. The hurt on his face. The way he curled up on the edge of the bed, trying to get as far from me as possible. “You slept late today.”

“Lucky her.” Benjamin looked so ravaged that I had to hold back a laugh. It was kind of like he’d spent the night fighting off a swarm of locusts.

Bev looked like she’d been battling beside him, heroically waving her frying pan at the invaders. “Did you already have your coffee, dear?”

I responded by holding up my mug, as if in a toast. “I made some extra for you.”

She sighed melodramatically. “Having the Keurig this morning felt like such a step down. I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave. You’ll have to come back soon.”

That squeeze in my heart again, except this time it felt like she’d physically shoved her arm through my ribs and tried to pulp it herself. My fake smile turned into what I was now positive looked like a grimace. “Or you’ll have to come visit us in Vermont.”

Only two more nights of lying. I could do this. No matter how shitty it made me feel.