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Her words hit me like a punch in the heart, and I promised to do everything I could not to hurt her again.

Goldie

Living at Lexington’s had been… unexpected. I wasn’t sure why I had agreed to come. I didn’t even think about it in the moment when he asked, choosing to pack up my belongings and follow him out the door. I had a feeling he wasn’t sure why he had invited me, and had instead made an impulsive decision without thinking it through. The two of us were quite the pair. I didn’t question the competency of the police officers following me, as they hadn’t stopped either of us nor questioned us. I just left with him, accepting whatever fate he would bring me.

I was drowning, lost in a sea of memories, each one slipping through my fingers no matter how desperately I tried to hold on. I should have remembered by now. My CT scans were showing improvement, the damage done to my mind healing slowly. Yet, who I was remained adrift in the stormy waters. My memories were only echoes in the dark chasm of my mind. I had been drowning, lost in the shadows again, and latched onto Lexington for help.

The fact that we weren’t necessarily friends before this made it easier. There were no preconceived notions I had to fulfill—notions that I didn’t know. These other people in my life, I knew they cared. They loved me immensely, and it was a love so palpable that even without the memories, I could touch it. I knew I loved them all, too, but I couldn't be the person they knew.

Not now. Maybe not ever.

Until I knew who I was now, and how I had changed, I didn’t know how to talk to these people, and I could see how much it hurt them. It wasn’t their fault, but Fai’s sad eyes and Jackie’s worried glances made me feel guilty that I couldn’t remember—that I couldn’t rejoice in our reunion with them, and that I couldn’t help catch the man who had done this to me.

Lexington didn’t know me. It was that lack of knowledge that allowed me to feel safe around him. I could unpack whatever was haunting me, let it change me how it needed to, and he wouldn’t know otherwise. It was a blank slate with him.

At least… I thought so.

It had been an easy few days. Lexington and River went about their days, not paying me too much heed. River was intrigued, and it was obvious he had been instructed to give me space. But I would catch those green eyes of his peeking around the corner of a room, curious about his new roommate. When Lexington had shown up at my door with his son in tow, I had assumed I would be meeting the missing wife and mother. But she was nowhere to be seen in their cozy home. I didn’t question where she had gone, but expected she was never here after our earlier conversation about how his son came into his life.

While the days had been easy physically, my psyche was in pieces. I couldn’t handle the dark, needing some sort of light on at all times. I never wanted to be trapped in the dark again. Sleep eluded me most nights, my mind replaying the months in that hellhole while I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. The bits of sleep I did manage… well, those were short and filled with the nightmares that had been my reality. I hadn’t slept since coming to Lexington’s, fearful of waking River up with my nightmares. I wasn’t even sure if I made any sound, but I didn’t want to risk it. River was too pure to be forced to face what I had gone through.

But I couldn’t stay awake forever, fighting off sleep just to keep the terror at bay. The moment my eyes slipped shut, my mind succumbed to the darkness—and the nightmare took hold.

“Silas!” I screamed, the sound suffocated by walls of packed earth. I stumbled blindly through the pitch-black maze of dirt, praying for any sign of his voice in the dark.

I rounded another corner, only to be met with yet another dead end.

“No, no, no,” I muttered, banging on the dirt wall that morphed into that damned concrete door—the door that kept me from my freedom, kept me from freeing Silas.

“Help me!” I screamed, the lights around me flickering. I looked around, hoping to find where the lights were coming from, but they just were… and slowly, they were disappearing.

I turned to the other end of the tunnel, where he stood: Father. The scent of gasoline and antiseptic attacked my senses. With each step closer to me he took, the darkness crept closer, my hope being snuffed out with the light.

I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out. I backed away, my back hitting the door behind me. I continued to try and scream, but it was silent as Father closed the distance between us, as though his mere presence had taken away my voice. He reached out, ready to swipe my cheek with his gloved hand. I closed my eyes, ready to brace for his touch.

“Goldie,” a voice sounded. Not Father’s. I had never heard his voice. I wasn’t even sure what it sounded like.

“Come on, baby,” the voice sounded again. It was all around me. “Wake up!”

My eyes flew open with a start, my body rocketing forward as I tried to center myself. My chest heaved as my eyes adjusted to the dim light around me. I couldn’t focus on anything, my hands grasping at the blankets, at anything around me, and I was shocked when I latched onto something solid. My hand clasped around an arm. I didn’t know whose arm, but I didn’t care. I held onto it for dear life, my nails digging into the muscular flesh. It must have hurt, but there were no complaints.

“Deep breaths,” a gravelly voice, laced with sleep, instructed me.

I listened, following his counts as I breathed in for two and out for two.

“That’s good.” My body relaxed slightly, my vision starting to focus. I was in my room, the blankets kicked off me, the cool air sending goosebumps across my skin, disrupting the sheen of sweat that blanketed my entire body. “One more breath for me, okay?”

I nodded and listened, taking in another deep breath. My heart rate slowed, but shivers racked my body. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. It was an awkward angle—him sitting on the edge of the bed, me lying in the middle—but I didn’t care. His warmth, his strength, brought my mind back to me.

“Lexington?” I asked quietly, my mind finally catching up to my surroundings. My lamp cast shadows around the room, but his body next to mine was obvious. He leaned back, his green eyes meeting mine. He was dressed in a pair of sweats and a hastily thrown-on shirt. At least, I assumed it was a hurried effort to get it on; it was backward and inside out.

One hand cupped the side of my face. “Yeah, yeah, it’s me.”

I sighed deeply, waves of guilt crashing through me. “Did I wake you?”

He smiled softly. “It’s fine.” It wasn’t an answer, but I didn’t need one.

“God, I’m so sorry,” I mumbled. “Is River still asleep?”