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Before Goldie had disappeared, most of our conversations ended in arguments and glares. I was convinced she was going to fire me, and she had decided I was the devil in disguise.

“I kissed her again,” I confessed.

Theo didn’t look surprised. I had a feeling Oliver had told her already. “Do you have feelings for her?”

“I-I don’t know,” I explained. “I can’t stop thinking about her. Did you know she has flecks of gold in her eyes? I always thought they were only brown, but up close… well, her name makes sense.”

Theo smiled empathetically. “What happened after you kissed her?”

“She kissed me back, only for a moment. And then she kicked me out,” I explained. “This was two weeks before.”

“Then what happened?” Theo asked, her blue eyes assessing. This woman had a weird knack for seeing into my soul; it was disconcerting.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about the two weeks where I could have done something. Anything. “Nothing.”

“Something must have happened,” Theo challenged.

I stood and paced the front porch. “No, that’s the thing. Nothing happened. She avoided me, I avoided her. I thought I was giving her space, that we would have time to talk about it someday. But if I had sucked it up, if I hadn’t been such a screw-up, I would have been working with her on this fucking case.” My voice rose with each word, every ounce of frustration I had been holding in pouring into each syllable. “I would have been with her that day. I would have stopped whoever took her, or maybe they would have left her alone! She could have been safe—could have come home if I had been there!”

I was yelling by the end, my chest heaving in anger at myself. Complete and utter disgust at my actions and behavior.

“Lex,” Theo muttered softly, standing to come closer, but I held my hand out to her.

“No!” I yelled. “No, it’s my fault. Don’t you see that? It’s my fucking fault that she’s gone. That I’ve lost her before I even had her. It’s my fault Fai is losing himself in the search, that Oliver is barely home with you, with his kids. That River has a ghost for a father. It’s my fault that Goldie could be dead.” My voice cracked on the last word.

“Lexington,” Oliver’s voice had me turning quickly, finding him on the porch steps behind me. I hadn’t heard him drive up or even get out of the car. But I wasn’t surprised. Oliver was always close by. “It’s not your fault,” he placated.

I shook my head and felt myself unravel slowly, and all at once. A cascade of anger crashed through me. “It is!” I pointed to myself to punctuate my point. “If I hadn’t been such a screw-up, she would be okay. I did this.”

I started to collapse down, letting the grief overwhelm my senses and take over. Oliver was by my side in a flash, catching me before I fell and wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I finally let the pain course through me, overtaking the numbed existence I had forced myself into so I could survive.

“It’s not,” Oliver promised, holding me tight.

I didn’t give a flying fuck if anyone judged me, if they said I wasn’t manly enough or some other shit. I let my older brother hold me as I cried. I knew it wouldn’t take the pain away, and it wouldn’t make anything better. But I needed to let it out, to free up space in my heart, mind, and soul to find Goldie. I didn’t care if it took the rest of my life; I would find Goldie and bring her home. If it was the last thing I did.

Oliver eventually let me go, and we meandered back to the porch swing. Theo had stepped away; I hadn’t heard her leave, but I could hear her talking to River through the open kitchen window. She was so good to him—far better than I was being.

It was hard always feeling like I was never quite enough for him. For anyone. I wasn’t a good enough father to River, a good enough son to my parents, or even a good enough brother to Oliver. He knew what I needed before it even crossed my mind; I had never been good at reciprocating it. I was always second best…

Oliver nudged my foot with his own. “Talk to me.”

“Things are just hard,” I mumbled.

He nodded slowly. “Yes, but you’ve been in your head longer than… longer than Goldie’s been gone.”

I swallowed hard, because it was true. “How do you do it?” I asked, my voice just above a whisper.

“Do what?”

I raised a brow. “All of it. Be a good husband, a good father, good at your job, a good son, a good uncle, a good brother, a good friend. You do it all, and you do it so easily. You always have. I…” I sighed and leaned forward, my forehead collapsing into my hands. “I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to be half as good as you are, and I just can’t do it. I mean… even now. Everything is falling apart, and you’re the only thing holding me together. River deserves better than me, so do you… so does Goldie.”

Oliver was silent—dead silent. I glanced over to see him staring at me, wide-eyed. “What?” I finally asked.

“You really feel like that?” Oliver asked quietly.

I nodded.

“Lex…” He trailed off, slumping into his chair. “First, it’s not easy. I love my family, but I do have a moody teenager and two little kids who run me ragged. I end up working in bed most nights to keep on top of work. But I’m not doing it alone.”