Page 69

Chapter 25

Blurred Lines

Starla

Ever since I found out that Milo and Malakar are the same person, it became harder to focus around him, harder to breathe. I remembered that boy from the group home, and couldn’t believe that he grew up to be this. I knew Milo had issues and trauma, but this never crossed my mind.

Milo was my first kiss. I thought about that kiss for months after Milo left, and tried to chase that feeling with other boys. I thought I could find it with Brandon, but I was wrong. Brandon was nothing like Milo.

I wanted that sweet boy back. Not this monster. Although, I wondered if I could call him a monster now. Real monsters felt nothing. They didn’t have excuses. They were pure evil.

Malakar wasn’t all bad. He can be good, he can be safe, he can be remorseful and caring. A real monster wouldn’t do that. Brandon didn’t do those things. My father didn’t either. If they did, it was fake. It wasn’t genuine. They were good at that.

I wanted to weep for Milo, thinking of all the terrible things he went through, and how it turned him into this. I sniffled in the dark. The chain on my ankle was hurting now. My skin was so cold. My eyes drifted in the dark. Shadows swarmed. Blood stained the floors. I saw visions of my own trauma in the heart of the darkness.

“Stay still, babygirl. I want to make you feel good. You’re my special girl. So pretty like your mom.”

My father’s face floated towards me in the darkness. His hands reached out to caress me. I shrunk away, shutting my eyes, trying to banish the memory.

“What do you mean, dad? I don’t see other dads doing this. I thought you only do this with mom?”

He shook his head and laughed. “My goofy girl. All dads do this, they just don’t admit it. Or, they think about it. Just don’t tell anyone, okay? It’s our secret. Something special between just you and me.”

I laid back down and shrugged. “Okay…if you say so.”

He took my underwear off and started touching me down there. Sparks of pleasure soared through me. It felt good, but weird. I squirmed.

“Stay still. Let daddy have some fun. Fuck, I bet you’re tight in there. Your mom isn’t as tight as she used to be. I bet you’ll feel fucking good.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I let him do it anyways. He said he loved me, and wanted to make me feel loved. He said that if I loved him, I’d let him do this. I wanted to make dad happy. Was that so wrong?

“Sorry, dad.”

He stroked his finger up and down. He told me to make noise. To moan. I tried a few times, and eventually found the right noise to make. I saw him rubbing himself through his pants.

“Good babygirl. Moan like that for me. Fuck, you’re so pure. Like a new car.”

He kept rubbing my lady parts. I saw him unzip his pants and take his penis out. He began rubbing it up and down, just like how he was doing with me. Seeing him do that ignited something inside of me. It burned. The pleasure climbed higher, I saw spots in my vision. My legs started to shake, and there was an immense explosion in my lower belly, close to where he was touching.

“Fuck, I knew I could make you cum. You’re so good, babygirl.”

He began grunting and groaning. His hand rubbed himself faster. He leaned over me and white stuff came out of his penis. It landed on my belly. His eyes caught mine in the dark. They were empty and dark. I couldn’t see any light in there.

I curled up on the mattress and cried. It wasn’t fair. Why did my dad have to be sick in the head? Why couldn’t I have had a normal dad? One who respected boundaries and didn’t look at me like I was a piece of meat. One who treated me like a daughter.

Why, why why?

I hoped he was rotting in prison right now.

In this moment, being alone in the terrifying dark, I wanted Malakar. He could make me feel good, when he wasn’t being bad, when his mind wasn’t slipping. I was starting to cling onto that feeling before I escaped. Maybe I could find it again.

I sat there with that thought until Malakar came back down. He didn’t look angry or unfocused. His eyes were clear, and he actually appeared concerned.

“Starla. I heard you crying down here. Are you okay?”

I blinked through my tears. Was he really asking me if I was okay? Seriously? Before I could say something nasty, I held it back and thought about my answer. “No, I’m not okay. It’s scary down here, Malakar. My thoughts are going to the bad place. I know you know what that’s like. I don’t like being down here in the dark.”

Malakar sighed and looked at me, then at the door. He moved towards me. “How can I trust you, bluebird? You turned and bit me last time I gave you privileges. I had to punish you by putting you down here. I learned that a long time ago. Punish what you love, make them learn if they misbehave.”