Page 44

Be good. Be good. Be good. I could always tell when I was slipping, but I was powerless to stop it. These good days were like a miracle.

Her voice replayed in my head like a beautiful lullaby. I want to understand you, Malakar. You just need to let me in. I want to understand you, Malakar. You just need to let me in.

She actually wanted to know me, to look inside and peer at the monster within. Would I let her? Did I want her to? Sometimes when they look too closely, they leave. Would she leave? Would she? I’d kill her if she tried.

No, that’s bad, Malakar. You don’t kill things you love.

A whisper tried to break through the walls. That’s what love is, son. You break what you love, so they can’t disobey, so they can’t leave.

“Fuck off! Not now, no, not now. Not anymore. I don’t want to be like you.” The jittery feeling in my bones came back.

You already are like me.

“No! Stop! I’m not, I’m not. I love her, don’t you see? She’s my special bluebird, my pretty girl. I can’t hurt her, I won’t. I won’t.”

Save her. Love her. Break her. Kill her. Save her. Love her. Break her. Kill her. Save her. Love her. Break her. Kill her. Save her. Love her. Break her. Kill her. Save her. Love her.

My voice mingled with my father’s voice until I couldn’t tell which was which. It was all noise. It was like there were multiple people screaming at me, I couldn’t see them, and I didn’t know who to listen to.

“Get out of my fucking head!” I tried to imagine Starla, but her face was warped in the fog. I tried to reach for her, my bluebird, my angel, but she kept fading further and further away.

She’s leaving. Just like the rest. She doesn’t love you. You’re a monster. She’s leaving. Just like the rest. She doesn’t love you. You’re a monster. She’s leaving. Just like the rest. She doesn’t love you. You’re a monster. She’s leaving. Just like the rest. She doesn’t love you. You’re a monster. You’re a monster.

“No, I’m not. She said I’m not! I’m just misunderstood. I just have too many demons.” I tried to argue against the voices in my head, but they were so powerful.

Is this what my mother felt everyday?

My eyes shut, an attempt to banish the image of my mother. Her terrified eyes. Her limbs shaking in the dark. She burned in that house. I could’ve saved her, but she was better off dead. There was too much pain everyday, I was doing her a favor by letting her burn with my father.

I hurried up the steps to the bedroom. I kept her in here now, so she could be close to me. I liked holding her throughout the night, her presence calmed my mind. I unlocked all the new locks that I put on the door, then burst into the room.

She was on the bed with her eyes closed. The fog cleared for a moment. I could do this. I could be good for her. I had to be. If I lost her, I’d throw myself off a cliff.

As long as she loved me, I’d be okay. I could work through this. The dark was scary, and I didn’t want to go back. I walked to the bed and sat down. My hand caressed her face. My bluebird was perfect. She was everything I needed. I could stay here forever with her.

“Malakar,” she murmured, opening her eyes. They were hypnotizing. I could look into her eyes and forget about all the bad things.

I hoped she wasn’t scared of me. I did some terrible things to her in the past days. Or had it been weeks. I was so fucking blacked out, I couldn’t even remember. It’s like my soul dissociated from my body, and I wasn’t even me anymore.

“Starla, my pretty bluebird, I’m always so surprised when I see that you’re still here.” I scooted closer to her, and she visibly flinched.

“Are you scared?” I asked. Though, I knew the answer.

“Well…maybe. Yes—I don’t know. You were so terrible, Malakar. You shoved me in that horrifying room. I was so scared and alone, but now you’re here and being nice. I don’t know what to think.” Her voice was small and hesitant, as if she were afraid I would break.

My eye twitched, I tried to control myself. Just because she’s being honest about her feelings doesn’t mean she’s going to leave. Right?

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure you don’t end up like them.” I thought she understood. Maybe she was lying. Maybe she was trying to get me to let my guard down so she could attack me. Just like mother.

“You keep saying that, but you could always control yourself, Malakar. I don’t ever have to end up like them. That would be your doing. The way you react to things, it’s unhealthy. It’s wrong.” She touched my arm. “You need help, Malakar. I could get you help. We could still be together, but you’re sick. You’ve been through a lot of trauma.”

I knew it. She was trying to get rid of me. She never loved me, never wanted me, never understood me. She wanted to send me to the nut house.

Kill her. Kill her. Kill her. Kill her. Leave her before she leaves you.

The voices were getting stronger. Once the spiral started to happen, I could never stop it. I was a helpless soul drifting through never-ending fog. That fog was inked with black poison, seeping into my bones, fracturing every piece of me that used to be good.

I just wanted to be good.