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“Oh, well, sure. What would you like to know?”

He leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table. I was aware of his keen gaze travelling over my features before he said, “I have to admit, I’m genuinely fascinated by your decision to become celibate. It doesn’t strike me as a common choice outside of religious vocations.”

I stiffened, feeling a little defensive even though Tristan clearly wasn’t trying to criticise me. There was nothing but genuine interest on his face. “I’m sure there are lots of people who choose to live this way, they just don’t go around broadcasting it.”

Tristan shrugged. “Maybe. What made you decide on it?”

Small hairs rose on my neck. I felt exposed, yet something about his open, curious gaze had me wanting to share. “My relationship with Zach was very intense, and our sex life took a lot of power away from me. I mean, it felt like the opposite at first. I thought I was being empowered, not following the norm, you know? I convinced myself I wanted the same things he wanted. That I enjoyed the uneven power dynamics in the bedroom when all I really wanted was for us to have loving sex just once. I’d make efforts to convince him to try something softer, but he was never interested.”

I glanced at Tristan and found his face etched with a mixture of empathy and deep irritation. It was like he was fully invested in my story, putting himself in my shoes.

I swallowed and went on, “It took years for me to figure out that I was erasing my own needs. Adjusting to his in order to feel loved and safe. To have someone. It was only when I ended the relationship that I realised that having someone wasn’t always safety. It could also be a prison that made you fold yourself smaller and smaller until you were nothing but a pillow created to comfort the person who lay their head on you, receiving no comfort in return. I realised how amazing life could be alone. I didn’t have to do things just to keep my partner happy. Didn’t submit myself when I felt his mood darkening, giving myself over in ways I didn’t enjoy just so that his spirits would brighten and the atmosphere would be happy again. Being single and celibate means every day is my own. I get to dictate what I do, and I don’t need to strip away my sense of self just to make my partner feel better when he’s down.”

I fell silent, realising I was staring at the table as I spoke. I forced my gaze up, refusing to feel ashamed, and sucked in a breath when I saw the tender look on Tristan’s face. There was something else there, too, a thread of displeasure, but I couldn’t tell if it was directed at me for overlooking my own needs for so long or at Zach for making me live in a way I never would’ve chosen on my own.

“I think I understand,” he said, his voice rough and throaty, like my story had brought up feelings in him he hadn’t expected. “You could’ve chosen a single life without the celibacy though.”

I nodded. “That’s true, but after things ended with Zach, I had a lot of issues around sex. Because I’d been accommodating his choices for so long, it had become a chore, a thing of pressure that grew into a giant cloud of obligation. I had no interest in it anymore. After a year or two, that faded, and I did consider engaging in casual hookups, but I don’t … I don’t see myself being able to sleep with someone I have no feelings for. It would be just the same as it was with Zach, only in a different way. And even if I slept with someone who I liked but didn’t have deep feelings for, I’d only end up …”

“Developing feelings for them over time?” Tristan suggested.

I exhaled a long breath. “Yes, pretty much. Then it would turn into another relationship, and as I said, I tend to lose myself in those. I let my life become all about the other person until, before I know it, I’m living entirely for them and not for myself.”

“You could figure out a way to live for each other,” Tristan suggested. “A healthy couple knows how to give and take.”

“The key word there being ‘healthy.’ A lot of couples I see have one giver and one taker, with little overlap.”

“Not always. My parents maintain a balance between the two, so does my brother and his wife, Milly. My friend, Rhys, and my cousin, Charli, have a similar relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve also witnessed the imbalance. With my brother’s first wife, the relationship was always a little strained. He bent himself over backwards to please her, but it didn’t work out in the end. Of course, they stayed together because of an unplanned pregnancy in the beginning, so that wasn’t a great start.”

“Well, I’m glad you know people in happy relationships, but I’m a little different. It’s kind of like how alcoholics need to swear off drinking for life. They can’t even have one glass of wine. That’s me when it comes to men. If I’m with someone, I become this different person. I live only to make my partner’s life seamless and absorb all their hardships or emotional distress. It’s why Zach was so drawn to me, because I have a naturally accommodating streak, but the trouble is I don’t want to be like that. It’s a horrible way to live.” I paused to take a breath and saw that Tristan was considering me with a serious expression. He rubbed his thumb over his chin, but I had no idea what he was thinking.

“I mean, look how I’ve been with you this evening,” I continued. “You were barely here five minutes before I was putting you to bed for a nap and cooking you dinner. I’m surprised I didn’t force you into a bubble bath.”

Tristan arched an intrigued eyebrow. “I might’ve enjoyed that,” he teased before his expression sobered. “But seriously, I get what you’re saying; however, the person you’re with, if they truly love and care for you, shouldn’t let you give in to those instincts. They shouldn’t just accept you doing everything for them and never repaying the favour.”

I let out a joyless laugh. “You’d be surprised by the amount of people who’ll accept someone else doing all the work without question. And I’m not without fault. I tend to take care of everything before the other person even gets a chance. It’s like a sickness. I can’t help it.”

“It’s not a sickness, Erin.”

“Of course, it is. If you saw me in a relationship, you’d understand.”

“You were with Zach for seven years, right?” I nodded, unsure where he was going with this. “And before that, how many relationships were you in?”

“I had one or two short-term boyfriends but they were never serious.”

“So the only person you’ve really been with is Zach.”

I narrowed my gaze, sensing the point he was trying to make. “Correct.”

“Which means you’ve branded yourself as someone who loses herself in relationships when you’ve only really been in one where the other person wanted a very specific dynamic”

“A dominant/submissive dynamic.”

“Which you did not enjoy.”

“I did not.”

“So maybe how you were in your past relationship has more to do with Zach than with you. For instance, if you were with someone who refused to let you give so much and insisted on spoiling you in various ways, well, I think you’d change your mind.”