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York and I had decided two was the perfect number of children. However, we wanted them close together since he feared being an old dad like Laurence had been. I suspected he also worried Jessica might not be around to meet her second grandchild if we waited for too long. The plan was to start trying for our last child after Lars’s first birthday.

“I don’t want to move,” I told the Tooker sisters. “I really like this neighborhood. The house holds special meaning since it belonged to Nova and Exile. Junior also feels comfortable here.”

“Then, research a casita for the backyard.”

York loved the idea of staying put and sticking a small house in the backyard. My parents wouldn’t need much space, and a casita would offer them more privacy.

“We won’t have to listen to them fucking anymore,” I said, making York laugh.

The casita wasn’t a cheap and easy solution, but the seven-hundred-foot contemporary-style structure was ready by the time I was due with our daughter. To prepare for the delivery, Vanessa and Ojai worked their magic to create a botanical paradise for my final child’s nursery.

Briar Jessie Lacroix was born with far less noise but way more drama than her brother. I went into labor, instantly drove to the hospital, and still nearly delivered her on the way to the labor and delivery floor. I was barely out of my pants when I needed to push.

My daughter didn’t scream much after entering the world. She seemed sleepy and unimpressed by her new surroundings.

Having expected another Lars, I was fascinated by how different Briar turned out to be.

“She looks like your mom,” Blackjack said as soon as he saw her. “It’s like Yarrow’s face shrunk and was stuck on this little angel.”

Once he said the words, I saw what he meant. Briar had Yarrow’s nose, eyes, cheekbones, everything.

York and I had chosen an earthy name to honor my mom. Yarrow would never be normal, but she had worked hard for a long time to be her best. I hoped my daughter would possess the same strength and quirky sensibility as her grandmother.

Once we were home, York and my parents helped me organize my schedule to allow me alone time with each kid. One of my earliest memories was feeling jealous of Boone when he was born. I didn’t want Lars to suffer from the same panic that I’d felt over sharing my parents.

When I was a kid, Blackjack and Yarrow had made sure to give me lots of individual attention. They also made a big deal out of me being a big sister. Thanks to them, Boone had stopped feeling like competition and became my favorite person.

Briar barely fussed. I’d often find her awake in her crib, wearing a pout, yet not making enough noise to draw our attention. The only way I knew she was awake was that Junior would whine, causing Mochi to bark.

The dogs were wonderful with the tiny humans filling their house. Junior was especially protective. He remained on guard whenever we took walks and growled at strangers who became too friendly with the kids. At home, he would even growl at animals on the TV or people he thought were too loud.

Lars started imitating the dog and growled at the screen.

“Any opportunity to make noise, huh, Lars?” York would often say while chuckling.

York was a wonderful father, just like I knew he’d be. The kids and dogs could overwhelm him at times. The noise was a pain in the ass. He often wore noise-canceling earbuds when we went to kid-heavy locations. York also wasn’t particularly interested in bonding with local dads. He remained stoic around them, seeming almost hostile.

But once York was around the dads in his club, he dropped his armor and shared goofy stories about the kids. We were lucky to have friends with young children. Zodiac, Exile, and Boone allowed York to show off his soft, cuddly dad side with other men.

Meanwhile, I loved hanging out with Crimson Guard mommies like Elle and Lula. My first few years of motherhood also brought Nova and me closer together. She helped me so much with everything from dealing with colds to the terrible twos.

From time to time, I found myself replaying the night I nearly died. The memories had faded, and the panic was muted. I could see the situation more clearly now. The guilt no longer haunted me, not even after I saw Leslie in passing once while I was out with Alabama and Elle.

If her son had gotten his way, York would live alone. He would never have built a stronger bond with his mom. There’d be no Lars and Briar. My parents would carry deep wounds in their hearts, creating a cloud over the blessing of Boone’s new family.

Rather than guilt, I now felt pride over how I survived. My husband deserved the life we had created together. My children deserved to exist. My parents deserved to live without grief. My club deserved to rebuild its confidence after the attack.

The one memory from that night that stuck with me the most was when I heard the B-52s playing, followed by York’s voice. I’d been lost in the tangled brush, alive but afraid. My mind had raced with ideas to survive the night. Never did I imagine my secret boyfriend would find me in the darkness.

Though leaving Little Memphis had been a painful choice, loving York had never been a choice at all. Once I saw him, I knew in my gut that I would never be the same.

YORK’S EPILOGUE

Jessica was a doting grandma to the very end. During her short battle with an aggressive cancer, my mom still showed up for Lars’s soccer games. She and Laurence had also been present during my matches despite their disinterest in sports. Until Goldie helped me rekindle my relationship with Jessica, I had forgotten the bonding moments I had shared with my parents.

Those final years with Jessica rewrote many memories of my childhood. I saw my parents more clearly. I felt less bitter about the way they raised me.

I believed I was ready for Jessica’s death, but I felt broken instead. For weeks afterward, I barely left my house. I would sit out back with the dogs, replaying a life that I hadn’t seen clearly for so long.