Page 34

“Him.” The word came out low, almost reluctant. “I do not know how or why he came to be in my care, Phillipa. I do not know what became of the man who left my sister to face all of it alone, or why he chose that particular night to leave the boy on my sofa rather than simply vanish with him entirely. Until I understand more of it, I find I cannot look at that child for very long without a great deal of guilt rising up in me that I do not know what to do with.”

She frowned, plainly turning this over and finding it did not entirely satisfy. “He is a baby, Gregory. He does not know what you do or do not understand about how he came here. He only knows whether you come into the room.”

“That is precisely why it troubles me as it does.”

“Then explain it to me properly, because I confess I am lost.”

“There is nothing more to explain today,” he said, and something in his voice had gone tight, defensive in a way she was not accustomed to hearing from him. “I have told you what I can.”

“I’m sure it will help,” Phillipa’s tone softened. She thought back to the advice that the Dowager had given her, and remembered that she needed to be careful with him. “I am safe, and you can tell me things that are on your mind. It might help.”

He paused for a moment, and then leaned back. “I would feel like I’m talking about my problems instead of fixing them.”

“And what is so wrong in that?” she said immediately. “I don’t know anyone who is above talking about what bothers them.”

“Well, now you know me,” he said it simply, but there was an underlying melancholy to his words.

It made her want to embrace him immediately, but she controlled herself.

“And you know me, so perhaps I can try you changing your mind a little, is that possible, you think?” she prodded.

“I have already told you that I don’t have any issue with you, and that you are not what I am avoiding.”

“But you’re avoiding something,” she retorted, “and whatever that is, it has bearing on your behavior with me, and the baby.”

He exhaled a sigh at that.

“That is part of it,” he said, his eyes trailing to where the baby was. “I suppose that is the whole thing of it, if I am being honest.”

“Oh,” Phillipa softened again, and realized that this had to do more than their marriage. “Do... you... can you explain to me a little more? Only if you want.. I don’t want to push.”

“It’s just the... the guilt of it all,” he finally admitted. “It keeps me away, and I just... it’s easier being away.”

He was being vulnerable with her, perhaps for the first time properly. She opened her mouth to speak, but then settled on resting her hand on his shoulder.

He closed his eyes at that. “I don’t want to burden you with it, either.”

“So you’re fine carrying the burden all by yourself?” she replied. “I would like for you to share it, with me at least. We can figure something out together.”

“It’s difficult being around the baby, in the house,” he admitted. “It reminds me too much of her, and I’m not equipped to handle whatever that makes me feel.”

Phillipa squeezed the top of his shoulder gently.

“The Dowager said something similar, when I was telling her about the baby. She seemed to remember your sister with every anecdote I shared.”

He closed his eyes again, and she saw him clench his fist and tense his jaw. It took him a moment to get back to normal again.

“I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“But Gregory,” Phillipa sighed. “You know, you cannot keep running from it. You need to be there for the baby, even though it feels difficult. He is too small now, but eventually, he will also notice these things. And I’m sure that is the last thing that your sister would have wanted.”

He said nothing, and she knew better than to push.

The baby, sensing the change in the room’s temper long before either adult acknowledged it aloud, began to fuss.

Phillipa crossed to the blanket and lifted him before his fussing could properly become crying, settling him against her shoulder with the ease of long practice. She looked back at her husband once, something unreadable in her face.

“I am going to take him up to the nursery,” she said. “I think we could both use a little air.”