Page 17

Inglorious

As I fell into bed that night, I couldn’t stop yawning. The town stayed chaotic all day, and I rushed from one thing to the next. It had been great for our businesses all round, but damn, people behaved like idiots. No entry signs meant ‘come on in, just invade private property, and trespass,’ and they tried to trample all over it, acting entitled. Boy, did they fight. I think that exhausted most of us.

We’d called in guards for tonight and heavily protected the cemetery. Nobody was going to disrespect our dead, and Gravey was also walking the grounds. He’d not let anyone desecrate the graves. Nanci was already sound asleep when I crawled in next to her. She’d been drained today, and I curled into her and cupped her stomach.

She was barely showing yet, but under my hand, a baby grew.

Our child.

Damn, those words slayed me every time I thought them. Nanci and I were going to be parents, and she’d be the best mom there is. I wasn’t so certain about myself and was wracked with anxiety. I’d failed my sister. Would I fail my kid? Everything in me screamed no, but that didn’t help me sleep at night.

I wanted to be a good dad. That wasn’t much to ask, but for a recovering alcoholic, it was a mountain to scale. There wasn’t a chance in hell that I’d become the deadbeat dad who was drunk in an armchair, but I was aware of my weaknesses.

Two hours later, I got out of bed. I couldn’t sleep, and my mind wouldn’t shut down. My body craved rest, but it wasn’t coming. Silently, I pulled on my jeans and a sweater, picked up my cut, and headed to the rec room.

I padded in, grabbed a pack of smokes from behind the bar, and walked outside. I rarely smoked, but tonight, I needed one.

The air was chill, with a sharp nip, and I shivered at first before adjusting to the temperature.

“You okay?” Law asked, appearing behind me.

“Yeah, just can’t sleep.”

“What’s happening causing trouble with that?”

“Nah.” I looked to the clear sky. The stars shone brightly and almost filled me with hope—I stress almost.

“Nanci is pregnant,” I murmured, taking a long drag and exhaling.

“Wow, man, congrats.” Law slapped me on the shoulder, and I nodded.

“We’re over the moon, but it scares me, ya know? Our life, it ain’t for everyone, and shit happens.” I didn’t need to explain anything else. Law hadn’t even known us when the war happened, but he knew about it.

“Yeah, I get that.” We were quiet.

“The fear keeps me awake. I couldn’t protect my brothers, and they were grown men. How the fuck am I going to keep a baby safe? And what about when they start walking? There’s so much danger out there. I feel almost paralysed with terror,” I muttered.

Law stared out at the silent street. “Ain’t ever experienced being a father or loss like yours. Prez, I can’t comprehend how you get out of bed each day. But you do, and you’ve my respect for that.”

“Even now, I could crawl into a bottle to deal with the pain, but I won’t. I owe the dead to live, but it’s hard.”

“That’s probably something a man such as you will always struggle with,” Law replied, and I frowned. Was that an insult or what?

“How so?”

“You’re used to being responsible for us, and you’ve a strict moral compass where the club is concerned. You don’t lead from the rear barking orders; you march forward from the front. Prez, you’re accountable for the club and its health. You’re the type of man who bleeds if his brother does. Makes you a hard act to follow and gives someone a role model to look up to.”

“I’m a drunk,” I argued. I didn’t like hearing that kind of praise.

“Yup. And despite that, you’re here still worrying about everyone and your unborn baby. To me, that makes you a great fuckin’ dad. Everything is trial and error, Prez, and you’ll find the right way through it.”

“You’ve more confidence in me than I do in myself,” I replied.

“Easy for me, I’m not the one holding the baby,” Law quipped, and I reached out and punched him. Law chuckled.

A noise made us both turn, yet we saw no one.

“Howdy. How’s things, friends?”